Thursday, April 8, 2010

Don't Mess With Paper...

Today was a little more than crazy. I believe the more appropriate terminology would be "cra cra". Thank you, Urban Dictionary.

I woke up feeling weak, shaky, and generally "hit by a bus". I had a physical task to tend to and I allowed the mere thought of said task to stress me out to the point of breakdown, complete with this funny thing that happened to my eyes...they filled up with water and it nearly fell down my face. Crying? Absolutely not. There's no crying in ms! Not unless it's for no reason whatsoever, in which case it's emotional lability, and it's cool.

I wasn't so much upset by the notion that I'd feel like feces after tackling this physical task, especially when I was already feces-esque. So what caused the watery eyes? I knew that, if I DIDN'T do this task, a group of kids I serve would suffer. And if I DID do this task, fully taxing my body out, another group of kids I serve would suffer. Rock, meet hard place. Although, everybody knows paper beats rock. Don't mess with paper.

The great thing about being me is...I've got lots of paper, and it comes in the form of my family, friends, and church family. Today, a friend came to my rescue to help with the task. And praise God for that, because every time I bent my neck down to concentrate on the line I staked out, the earth spun a little faster. I knelt down to stake out another area and could barely get back up. It was hot outside, my legs were shaking like cra cra, but I had paper.

I wish I could take my breakdown back. It was ugly, guys. I even said that "these are the times invisible symptoms are worse than visible ones, because if I was walking with a cane, who would even think I could do this?" What the! In the words of my grandmother, "did I say that out loud?" Nice. Still working on that self-control. I think that's why it's the last Fruit of the Spirit, 'cause it's the hardest least for me.

Once the task was successfully completed and I began to relax, knowing "my" kids were properly provided for, the new symptoms began. Hand tremors, numbness in fingers (just the pinky and ring fingers on each hand), numb feet, and tingly neck. I knew they were coming, I've been around this mountain before. And I got to feeling sorry for myself, which also usually never happens. I said to my friend, "I just wish I was like I used to be, I could do these things without a problem". She quickly reminded me that who I used to be was not who I am today, more specifically, in a spiritual context. It was a deep convo. Her tear-filled question was, "would you rather go back to being the person you were, knowing the person that you are now?" (brief pause...) No. And then I smacked her. There's no crying in ms.

So I got to thinking, even though I have this freaked out neurological system going on, I have a peace I didn't have before it came along. Pre-ms, I was proud to be able to accomplish everything by myself - me, myself, and I. Everything good that I had, I credited to like...myself! But I've learned that all things come from God and that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Man, He's awfully strong. The other thing I've learned is that I have lots and lots of paper. Praise God for paper...

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