Saturday, December 24, 2016

Morning musings over an excellent cup of coffee and MS and anxiety...

It's a beautiful, rainy morning. I enjoy rainy days. They're strangely peaceful. Or something.

I'm sitting here in one of my husband's old t-shirts and like, THE softest capri sweatpants that a friend gave me. I'm comfy. Super comfy. And the steam from the mug is dancing in front of the computer monitor. Pretty sure it doesn't get any better than this.

I can't help but feel beyond blessed as I think on all the goodness around me. I look ahead to an entire week off from work with my "babies". I think it's been about 11yrs since I've had a full week off at a time over the course of any part of a calendar year, much less the week between Christmas and New Year. Candidly speaking, I'm not quite certain how to process the time. I mean, what I'm supposed Do I clean stuff? Ugh, don't like cleaning. Do I find places within my 3hr comfort radius of driving and do a series of day trips? Ugh, being out in the cold makes me pee even more than a lot and that's just awkward to be all, "Hey, let's do a day trip and y'all go on without me! I'll be in the ladies room! Catch up with you soon!". After (over)thinking on that for several days, I ended up doing what I should have done prior to perseverating on the matter. I straight up asked the kids. My kids, who are totally not babies (18 and 17yrs old), both answered with a resounding................."nothing".

me: Like, nothing?

them: Nothing. We just want to relax.

But...I can't do "nothing". Because when I do nothing, I notice everything. And when I'm working, or *doing*, those verbs have a way of distracting me from that everything.

For example, the burning, sometimes searing pain I have across that large spot in the left side of my neck - hurts more. The constant twitching of my right ring finger - annoys more. The sudden and really weird way my eyes will decide they're going to stop cooperating with one another, resulting in quasi-aura (think migraine but not really) - sways more. The hearing in my left ear that comes and goes at will - surprises me more. The cramping throughout my body - grabs more. The pain in my chest, because MS likes to "hug" me nice and high, rather than the textbook torso hug - squeezes more. The numb spot in my left foot - feels less.

Last, but-certainly-most-notable, anxiety. It's huge right now. Max volume. Like, it requires its own paragraph. It makes me feel as if I have to apologize for simply existing. It says I'm a bad (granddaughter, wife, mom, friend, worker, woman, human). It tells me I can't do it, whatever "it" is. It asks how I could possibly think I was capable of whatever "it" is, if I can't even carry my lunch tray to my table in the cafeteria at work without throwing half my salad on the floor. That happened yesterday and, as I carefully cleaned the pumpkin seeds and craisins from the floor with a napkin, bunched up in my good hand, anxiety said, "LOL!!! (yes, anxiety is trendy and hip to text speak) Everyone is staring at you! You're such an idiot. Just shut down already. You made a complete fool of yourself in front of all these people. They think you're an idiot. Yesterday, you made a fool of yourself on the phone with your friend. She thinks you're an idiot. Here are a bunch of other times you made a fool of yourself. And everyone in the cafeteria is staring and laughing at you. Go sit in the corner booth, stare into what's left of your salad and don't say any words, because you'll just mess them up anyway. Seriously. Just completely shut down. Once you get up, that is. IF you get up. Without falling. Idiot."

Let me tell you, getting up from the kneel in that moment felt much like a fighter just knocked to the ground. My legs were wobbly - probably more from anxiety than MS - and I felt totally defeated and wanted to cry, but remembered my dad's words, which he would intensely deliver through clenched teeth when I would incur a major injury during a sporting event: "DON'T CRY. BE TOUGH." Honestly, there should be no crying over craisins anyway, right? No matter how good they are. Because come on, they are pure goodness. Thankfully, I was near a counter, which I used to help stand (kinda) firm. As I panned the room, twitchy hand pressed on the countertop, I found that...absolutely no one was looking. I thumbed my nose at anxiety, explaining that none of my 100 or so coworkers in the room had even noticed. Anxiety said they were staring, but chose to be classy by acting as if they hadn't. Oh, and that they were actually talking about it. And me. And anyway, how about that foolishness from yesterday. Foolishness that ruins all the things. Bad human.

Some may wonder how I can begin a post by explaining how blessed I feel about something, only to reveal that anxiety has me feeling a certain sort of way. In fact, I've been told before that if I were stronger in my faith, I wouldn't have all this anxiety. Well? To that I say, and have actually said...I didn't choose to have anxiety just as I didn't choose to have MS. And the God I know never promised that everything would be perfect in life. In fact, the scriptures say the complete opposite. But. He goes with me through it all. Before me, beside me, ahead of me. That is my assurance. Assurance, for me, doesn't necessarily mean no anxiety and it certainly doesn't mean no MS. It's just assurance. And it's everything.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas filled with lots of somethings or nothings, whichever you prefer, and tons and tons of assurance.

So, I wonder if I could.........okay no. No things to distract from the things. Assurance ;)

And a song that is actually distracting the burning from my neck. Because songs: