Sunday, August 16, 2015

Coffee Haitus...Let The Morning Mourning Begin

I'm coming off of a month-long virus, which has left me with a nifty souvenir called "laryngopharyngeal reflux".  This new foe doesn't travel alone.  It brings its cousin, laryngospasm.  And that only comes around at night, about an hour after I've fallen into a beautiful, sound sleep.  When I woke up with it the first time, unable to get air and nearly passing out, I didn't know what was going on.  Once I figured out that the best thing to do is everything I didn't do the first time, (like panic and try to breathe in as hard as I possibly could through my mouth, which only closes the throat even more and starts shutting the lights out) I'm finding that I'm able to combat it and stop the spasms in under 2 mins.  Which is good, because my son has finally stopped sleeping with the phone next to him, feeling as if he has to call an ambulance.

It's ironic how the tides have turned over the course of 16yrs.  I used to sleep on his floor, listening for any breathing issues or cries.  He slept in an upright car seat, well into toddlerhood, due to terrible reflux.  It would wake him throughout the night.  I would hear him stir, get into his line of sight, he would spot me, reach out, and I would be there.  Fast forward...I wake up with stridor, look out across the room, and there he is.

LPR.  Laryngospasm.  Legit stuff.  Stuff I gotta get rid of.

Reflux is no stranger of mine.  About 9.5yrs ago, I was hospitalized with bleeding ulcers and reflux.  It took a very long time to heal, but the purple pill + an H2 blocker + a super bland diet brought me back to my preferred salsa and peppers again.  The difference from 2006 to now is...I have discovered numerous issues I have with foods.

Apparently, the Reflux Diet of 2015 does not jive with me and my food situation.  Nor does it allow for my

So what's a girl to do?  A girl who loves coffee the way I do?  Who thinks about it as soon as her eyes open in the morning?  Who looks forward to it as she's falling asleep at night?

She gets up and paces the house, that's what.  She reads through the papers over and over again, trying to find the coffee loophole.  But there isn't one.  Not at all.

Instead, the papers suggest things such as wearing loose fitting clothing (wonder if pajamas are suitable work attire?), eating several small meals throughout the day (which I already do, since I'm in the habit from '06 reflux and also have low blood sugar), to exercise 3 to 4 times per week (which my legs have been arguing with me about), and to stop smoking (which I don't do).

Work with me, papers.  Please.

I read and read and read...and cleared my throat and coughed and felt pretty gross on the whole, just as I've been for a week or so with this.  Exercise kept jumping out at me from the paper.  My legs have been incredibly stiff, but the intense anger I felt when my poor husband casually appeared from the kitchen to say, " didn't make the coffee today?" was enough to send me right out the door.  Because the anger was bringing out my "temper temper" reminder.

I jammed my earphones into my unsuspecting ears, tried to stretch my legs as best as possible, and set out down the driveway for a walk.  About a mile into my let's-get-a-handle-on-our-anger walk (didn't think I could go nearly that far!), I realized that I couldn't stop thinking about the coffee I wasn't having today.  I couldn't sit and watch my husband drink his coffee, because I would want to knock it from his hand.  Instead, here I was...out on a painful, stiff, twitchie trek at 7am, sweaty and punchy and angry.  And then this song came on my iThingie, which was affixed to my hat, like old times:

Can I share the fact that I likened this entire song to coffee?  Is this a "sorry not sorry" thing?  I think yes.  Admittedly, I never really listened to the lyrics.  I have tons of dance music on my iThingie.  But this?  This speaks to me in this caffeine-free moment.  

The taste.  The smell.  The cognition it provides.  Without it, I cannot structure priorities.  Without it, I can barely put my shoes on the right feet.  I have a huge project coming up in about 2 weeks that I'm already nervous about if I can't have my coffee.  I have to work hard at bouncing back by following this stupid diet with this stupid menu and these stupid that I can get back to my coffee.

If you're still reading, I'm sorry.  I can't even organize my thoughts at this point.  All I can do is hit "publish" and hope for the best, because the thought of proofreading is exhausting me.  Come on, purple pill.  You did this for me once!  I know you can do it again.  Get me back to health.  Back to a place where my throat isn't all jacked up.  Back to the times when I could sleep without waking up choking.  Get me I can be here:

"My love for you.  No one else will do."  Especially not you, green tea.