Sunday, March 3, 2013

Beauty = Pain

Am I right, ladies?  Or maybe it's just me.


I have a way of spraying myself in the eye with my hairspray, because I use my right hand to wield the can and don't exactly have the best of right-sided peripheral vision.

Dear Johnson & Johnson:  Please develop a high quality, 'no tears' hairspray.  Thanks in advance.

I've inherited many of my father's undesirable traits, such as giant eyebrows (and migraines and freak neurology, but who's counting?), which means there's tweezing...lots and lots of tweezing.  Part of my freak neurology is that one side of my body (left) is hyposensitive, while the other (right) is HYPERsensitive.  Tweezing my left eyebrow is fantastic.  The right?  Torturous.

I know the question you're asking, "why not wax, Tina?"  Well, because I had a little accident with my hot wax kit once.  It involved a hand tremor, which resulted in an unfortunate drip onto an eyelash?  'Nuff said.

I have friends who can't wait for their monthly trips to the salon.  Me?  Not so much. The brisk washing of my hair feels a lot like someone put rolls of quarters in their gloves.  I don't go until my hair begins to overtake me.  At that point, the pain is worth it.

Even the shaving of my legs can be something to contend with.  Remember...left side is hyposensitive, the right side is HYPERsensitive.  I shave a fairly numb leg, then muster up the courage to scrape layers of skin off the other - or so it feels.

Like I said - Beauty.  It's painful.

Lest I forget the times I've stuffed myself into the spandex prison commonly known as Spanx for occasional fancy events in which I wished to fool others into believing I was 10lbs thinner than I truly am, or at least that I carry my weight differently than I do.  Truth is, it was definitely all there, screaming to get out.  By midway through the events, I was ready to cut myself free.  Anyone without MS who wonders what the "MS hug" is can just stuff themselves into Spanx and viola...there it is.

Personally, since we're all about requiring labels on simple items, like "coffee-is-hot" and "don't-throw-your-hair-dryer-in-this-bathtub-full-of-water", maybe they should sew this on Spanx:

...ya know, so people are "informed" and all.

Speaking of hair dryers, I just had to replace mine.  I can tell I'm not yet used to it, because I've hit myself in the head with the barrel.  Repeatedly.  Again, right handed, right-sided peripheral vision/spatial awareness issue...and a slightly longer barrel than the previous one.  Resulting in literal bump on head.

I'm telling you - Beauty.  It's painful.

Dare I move on to coloring of the hair?  Just tonight, I covered my hair in purple goop that magically transformed my gray to 'light caramel brown'...all in 20 minutes.  That's a long 20 minutes, so I like to do stuff like load the dishwasher while I'm passing the time.  My dogs run away from me and my husband laughs.  Go on and mock, don't want me to let this go.  Trust me.  All's well until it's time to rinse - head over tub - resulting in no less than 12hrs of vertigo due to prolonged-almost-upside-down-ness.  I did well tonight...only walked into the vanity once.  I believe that's a new record!

Apparently, beauty isn't just painful.  It's also uncomfortable.  And can result in bruising.

Thank goodness for this assurance from Proverbs 31:

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

:::no mention here of tweezers:::