The 'book' is always prompting..."What's on your mind?"
'course, the first thing I think of when I see that sentence is, "holes?"
:::shameless ms joke:::
In all honesty, what's on my mind is...
...how there's so much heavy stuff going on right now for so many amazing friends.
I'm. talkin'. HEAVY.
You know what that's like, right? When your nightly conversation with the Lord starts off with tears. And you find yourself blasting right past the praises and just simply muttering..."Lord, where are You in this?"
That was me this weekend. Head feeling as if it was 152lbs, sinking down into Pillow (capitalized, because my pillow is proper), tired and sore eyes closing. Body buzzing. Electric shocks in shins. Gigantic MS hug across chest wall. I decided that I was done talking after that one, simple sentence. I was so over it.
With eyes closed, I began to 'see' things play out on the back of my lids. Things that had happened over the course of the week.
I saw hurting friends smiling as they greeted each other with hugs. The teary smile of a friend who received a home-cooked meal from someone who knew they could use a break. The joy in a friend's face as they tucked a surprise grocery gift card into an envelope and contemplated just how to plant it anonymously for a friend who's fallen on hard times. I saw a kid choose meekness when she had every right to make a different choice, and I heard the way her behavior affected the hearts of the grown ups who witnessed it. I saw my daughter's smile as she informed me that she hasn't had to take her rx meds for the inflammatory condition she's battled for 3 very long, very difficult years. Apparently, she's not in pain anymore.
not. in. pain. ANYMORE.
Wait. What? For real? You're amazing. Seriously.
(that was me to God...)
I opened my eyes for a second and noticed my son's outfit hanging on the closet door. It's for his first school dance.
Ordinarily, this may not be something a mother would get emo over? But it's totally emo for me. I closed my eyes again and the replay of his earlier struggles began. The hospital rooms. The diagnoses. The lengthy list of "you need to face the fact that he'll never be..." 's. The years of intense therapies. The people we formed life-long relationships with along the way. The blessing of the Lord's provision when we ran out of money. This boy's astounding perseverance. And his full and complete healing...
I see it, Lord. I see the pictures in my mind. I recall holding his hands, staring into his gaze, and assuring him that, "I know you're in there...and I'm going to get you out". I recall my collapse, totally not to be blamed on MS, when he announced to me that "somebody lifted the clouds!" The achievement of milestones began. His medical file sits on my desk, covered in dust. We don't need to travel with it anymore. Not since the pediatrician stared at me in disbelief and penned the following word:
Anyway, he's going to the dance. And yes, that's a banana phone he's talking on. Because he's funny, that's why.
...that's what's on my mind. The understanding that heavy things happen, but the assurance that blessings are everywhere throughout them all. The promise that God is in full control. The peace that comes from that knowledge.
Thanks, Lord, for giving me the play-by-play of my thoughts for just this past week. Maybe this is why the husband can't get on my level, because when I look at him and ask him what he's thinking? The answer truly is...
Be well, friends :-)