Friday, September 30, 2011

It'll Be What It'll Be

Yesterday, as I was working with a couple of my students, I couldn't help but notice how suddenly my feet began to ache.  By the afternoon, the ache became pain...pain which traveled up to my knees.  My shoes?  You bet I kicked 'em off.  Traded my "dramatic pacing" teaching style for an "animated rolling about in my desk chair" approach.  Let me tell you what the tiny, plastic wheels on a desk chair don't roll over:  Cords.  I was nearly thrown onto my face.  As I reflect, I can't help but chuckle at the imagined visual of me...face planted on the floor, tangled up in a chair...

The aching feet that became painful feet and knees transitioned to roaming nerve pain that traveled from my calves, around my shins, into my knees, across my thighs, and spiraled around the back of me...ending in my hips.  At that point, I became concerned.  I stood to make my way to the bathroom and felt as if my legs weighed about 200lbs.  Each.  I struggled up the stairs, made my way into the bathroom, and began to converse with God.

See, for the first time in about 4 years, our family is going away for the weekend.  As I wondered if ms was toying around with my mobility, the only thing that came to mind was, "Lord, please don't let anything stand in the way of our going away this weekend.  The kids are so excited, we are so excited, please let me be well for this trip.  Not for me, but for my family." 

I took my husband aside and explained what was happening.  He was not on the same page as I was, obviously, because he instantly became fearful.  I recognized it by his complete silence.  See, I was more annoyed at the situation than afraid, probably because I stopped worrying about my mobility years ago.  I'm pretty much at the point that it'll be what it'll be.  He's not 'there'.  I suppose I can understand that. 

Wait.  Actually, I can't.  I don't know what it's like to be my loved one.  Thus why I tend to keep so much of how I'm truly, actually, honestly myself.  I don't want anyone to worry.  Fellow ms'ers, you know how that goes ;-)

The painful, aching, heavy feelings in my feet, legs, and hips lessened by this morning, but tonight was "Parent Night" at school...meaning I stood for 2 hours straight with a fake smile on my face, leaning against the lockers when no one was looking.  The hugs that my friends and the parents of my students gave me were welcomed, because I could hold onto them for a moment.  I love hugs.  They're so functional on many levels :-)

As I said to the Lord in my 'bathroom hideout' conversation, I fully recognize that I'm in His hands and I'm comforted by that.  Being the medicinal failure that I am has actually helped me to find peace in His promises.  Ya know, that He plans to prosper and not to harm, to give hope and a future.  And how, in this life, there will be trouble...but He has overcome the world.  I'm fearfully, wonderfully made.  His thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand.

The holes in me?  Don't change that.  They never can.  They never will.  No matter what.

Lord willing, I'll be standing on the beach tomorrow.  One guess as to what I'll be thinking of as I look out across all...that...sand :-))) 


Valerie said... inspire me and I love you to death!!! I would highly recommend the book Fearless by Max Lucado for John to read. Michael & I are going through some financial troubles and we just keep reminding each other to be Fearless!! LOVE YOU!!!

Tina said...

Val, you mean more to me than I can really explain :-) Thank you for the recommendation! I love Max Lucado's writings! Thanks also for sharing your present circumstances. We'll keep that in our daily prayers ;-) May you be blessed abundantly! You are such faithful servants...God will see you through!