Pretty darn low, let me tell ya;-)
An array of situations seem to point at me, laugh, and say: "you're less than", "you don't matter", "you're really not all that important". I could list actual examples, but there's no need. I don't want to give them any more power than they already have.
In my own assessment, I've done fairly well in battling those feelings away with prayer. But then there's always that one thing, oftentimes a very silly thing, that throws me straight over the edge. And that thing is happening.
My husband's work hours, which typically lessen from around December to March...have lessened 3 months early. I'm a little too numb right now to really feel that. Like the Top 40 Countdown, our financial hits just keep on comin'. What's bothering me is...he's in my way.
I can't make my morning coffee (collective GASP!), because he makes his full pot and dilly dallies around until it's time to leave. Pour a cup from his? Wish I could, however, it's perfectly calibrated for a specific amount of cream and sugar he's already poured into his thermos. As if that's not enough, he likes to sit in the dark and watch the news. I enjoy having a light on so that I don't trip on an unsuspecting, lounging dog. Then, as I'm working in our netbanking account and listening to music, he feels the need to update me on the news stories. My ability to multitask doesn't kick in until...after a cup of coffee that I cannot enjoy, so I must stop and listen to him. This morning's update, just as I was calculating exactly how much money we would not finish the month with was:
him: "Hon, did you hear about this? A high school just banned all perfumes, colognes, and fragrances, because a teacher is allergic."
me: :::crickets chirping:::
him: "did you hear about it?"
him: "you didn't?"
me: :::erasing the '9' I errantly wrote, making it an '8', looking up at him in annoyance::: "no, honey"
him: "oh. I was wondering like...why is that news?"
Lord help me.
Please pull me up and out of this hole. In addition, please help this man - whom I love deeply - understand that I do not wish to converse with him whilst he's tying up the coffee maker. Please instill in me an added measure of patience. Please help me remember, as I'm wanting to throw my pen at him, that it's out of love for me that he wishes to converse with me. He knows how I'm feeling and he's trying, which is very sweet. In turn, I'm trying to handle these latest challenges with grace, but everyone has their breaking point. Mine...is the coffee. A girl's gotta have her coffee. Please and thank You, Lord...please and thank You.
Be well, everyone!