Monday, September 12, 2011

The Cloud of Loneliness

I'm sitting in it.  Nevermind the fact that I'm also sitting among my 4 snoring dogs and 4 prowling cats (they're taking up their respective positions for their nightly 2am Fe-lympic Games).  My loving husband is a staircase away.  My amazing kids are snug as bugs in rugs, as if I ever truly understood that phrase.  I've got family and friends who are literally a phone call away.  Despite it all, I'm right here, in that lonely cloud.

I haven't felt this way in a very long time.  I could blame it on the fact that we've had nothing but torrential downpours and flooding for the past week, or I could chalk it up to perimenopausal hormones.  But the fact that I'm getting over some sort of week-long, fever-accompanied virus has a way of illuminating the neon sign that reads, "Now Playing:  MS!".  Summer-long remission = over.  The painful bruise from my colossal fall mocks me.  Ow.  The I-can't-see-stuff-that's-real-far-away vision teases me.  Take the deer I noticed yesterday at the road's edge, for example.  I punched at my horn and it didn't run away as they typically do, so I did a lighting-fast rear view mirror check (all clear!) and stood on the brake pedal, bringing my car to an abrupt halt! 

Let this serve as a public service announcement: Roll your trash can back to your garage after pick up, folks. The brakes you save might be...mine.  (no trash cans were harmed in this re-enactment)
Loneliness.  Depression.  Tomato.  'To-mah-to'.  It all blends together when it runs me over.  It zaps my energy.  It amplifies the very real stressors that are currently trying to take my joy, stressors which I'd normally cover in prayer and push through with grace.  But now, I just want to cover my head with a flannel sheet and push my feet through socks.  It causes me to become offended at things I would ordinarily laugh off.  It makes me question whether or not something I'm feeling troubled by should be discussed or if I should wait it out, in case it's just my current state of mind.  Tasks I set out to do take 3x as long as they should.  I can't stay asleep for longer than 2 hours at a time.  That, in and of itself, is depressing.  God bless my husband, who woke me this morning for breakfast and church.  How could he have known I had just fallen back to sleep an hour prior?  I'll betcha my startled jump, unstoppable tears, and response of, "you have GOT to be kidding me!" may have clued him in to the fact that something was amiss. 

I don't want that.  I don't want people to think I'm emo, that I don't have my stuff together.  What do I do?  I put on my Happy Face.  There's safety in the HF, right?  It's gotten me through a lot.  An ill son, an ill me, loss of my business, ill relatives, and several other difficult situations.  The Happy Face...who knew?  No one.  That's who;-) 

If writing about it helps someone to know that they're not alone in their loneliness...then, like the Hokey Pokey, that's what it's all about.  But if you're someone who will see me tomorrow?  You're getting the Happy Face.  I'll be riding out this storm armed with the trifecta of prayer, the HF, and a pumpkin spice Dunkin' Donuts coffee.  This too shall pass, and not soon enough.

Be well, friends...and get yourselves a coffee...pumpkin:-)


"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - God, via Isaiah 41:10

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." - Jesus, via John 16:33

"Truly knowing you are a child of God doesn't mean you will never be or feel lonely..." - Debbie, via Facebook

(PS...everybody needs a 'Debbie')


feisty804 said...

And you're not alone. : )

Tina said...

Thanks, Feisty:-)

I was feeling pretty self-conscious after clicking "publish" on this one! Your comment calmed my anxiety;-)

You're not alone well!