:::slapping hands together in vigorous washing motion:::
Okay, so I thought I overcame it? But suddenly? I find myself swimming in a series of negative thoughts. And they're saying things like:
- you disappoint your kids when you can't walk around the amusement park with them in 100 degree heat.
- you can't even use an elevator, because the bounciness makes your legs wobble.
- you can't do things as quickly as you used to.
- you can't learn things as quickly as you used to.
- the trials that are going on around you right now? Are all your fault.
- the ginormous decision you need to make in the next week or so? Will be wrong. :::because:::
- the similarly-themed, ginormous decision you made a little while ago was wrong. Which is why everything else is your fault.
- you're all alone. No one understands you and your ridiculous invisible symptoms.
Battling self-esteem is nothing new to me, I've just mastered the skill of hiding it behind a smile, joke, or laugh. It seems like a lifetime ago, 'back in the day', when I couldn't face my own image in a mirror. I walked with my head down. I could never accept a compliment, even the simplest. There were reasons behind all of that, but if I were to write it out, we'd be lookin' at a lengthy testimony...which none of us are ready for, including me ;-) Thankfully, here's where my 2 favorite Bible words come in: "But God". I don't struggle the way I used to with self image, but I find that ms has a way of trying to steal my joy.
Let's be real for a moment...these negative thoughts are lies. Even my kids didn't want to walk around in 100 degree heat. True, I may not be able to use bouncy elevators (stupid thoracic spine), but I can shuffle down the stairs quickly enough to beat my husband to the lobby. I may be a little slower at learning new things than I used to be, but what's the big hurry, anyway? Ha! The trials going on around me are not within my control, meaning I can't own them. And ya know, I probably will mess up that big decision I have coming up, which is why I need to give it to the Lord. He makes all things work together for my good:-)
I guess the only way to fight these feelings is...to fight them. And to have a coolatta. Because a coolatta is always a great answer.
(let me know where I should send my therapy copay if you've made it all the way to the bottom of this post:-)
4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. - 2 Corinthians 10:4-5
6 comments:
Tina, did you know that the most often used phrases in Scripture are versions of "Be not afraid." Think about it. Doesn't fear often motivate our doubts and encourage the lack of self-esteem? Hoping your decision brings you peace. (((Tina)))
Peace,
Muff
As always, many thanks to you, Muff, for your encouragement! You are spot on :-)
God bless you. Thank you for speaking these truths!
Sure enjoyed this article Tina-you are way too hard on yourself! Kids do understand more than we realize sometimes...Praying your big decision goes well-as you said-give it to God...it'll all be good!!
I can't thank you enough for your uplifting comment :-) Thank you for your prayers over this decision! I do trust the Lord to make it very clear to me...but find that I want to step in and just make it! I really think He sits up there and shakes his head at me...
God bless you! Take good care!
Hi Tina, nice to come across your blog and have the privilege of sharing in your journey with the Lord, your family and MS.
Big decisions are always scary but God's grace is sufficient. I hang onto Pr. 3:5-6 and Trust in the LORD with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding... I acknowledge him with all my heart having faith that he will direct each and every step.
I pray you are guided in all you do to that which is in God's will glorifying him.
Maggie, this is absolutely beautiful and your timing couldn't be more perfect. I really can't thank you enough for posting. You have blessed me :-)
God bless you, sister!
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