Saturday, July 14, 2012

Taking Every Thought Captive - Part Deux!

Before I begin, I would like to express how humbled I am by the uplifting comments and messages of prayer I've received in response to my initial 'Taking Every Thought Captive' post.  I really can't even process it...that's how touched I was.  All I can say is: Thank you :'-)

Thursday kinda started off on a negative foot, due to the fact that my heart decided to leave my body and plaster itself to my ceiling somewhere around 1am.  Enter nighttime panic attacks, ice pick headache, and shaking.  I did take pride in the fact that I succeeded in dragging a brush through my hair and getting myself to work, looking somewhat presentable.  I made it for a few hours before having to leave.  Despite taking a 5hr coma-nap, I woke feeling even worse.  At that point, I thought it best to make my way to urgent care, where I fought to stay awake on way-too-tall-table adorned with crinkly paper.

It was on that table where 'those' thoughts began to pour into my mind:

- you shouldn't have left work're going to get fired.
- you told your boss during your interview that ms wasn't a problem in the're going to get fired.
- this is going to cost you an ER copay.  Ha!
- you don't look sick...everyone thinks you're insane.
- you're all one understands your health...
- you're all one understands the work atmosphere you came from and the way you carry yourself because of it.
- and, in case there was ever any doubt, you're definitely getting fired.

What did I do in the midst of this barrage?  Perched atop paper that echoed within those sterile walls each time I twitched...or thought about twitching?  Well, I did what any perimenopausal 40yr old with ms and other unfortunate, prior hospitalizations would do.

I cried.  Face in hands.  Like a 2yr old.

Wow.  Did someone at least rent a moonbounce for that pity party?  No?  Hmm.  Let's be sure to assign someone to that for the next time.

There's something about being completely halted in my tracks that helps me refocus.  I was able to combat each of those thoughts and speak truth back to them.  I told myself things like...I'm allowed to be sick once in awhile.  All I can do is my very best in this job - any job - and if I lose it, it's because God wants me somewhere else.  Isn't it great that I don't look as horrible as I feel?  I'm anything but alone - He is with me!  I won't pick and choose how I shine my light, or how brightly.  If I want to get really 'real' with someone and compliment or do something kind for them, I'm going to do it.  Every time. It's not so important what people think of me.  What matters is that I glorify the Lord in every opportunity :-)

And the ginormous decision I had mentioned in my 1st post? Got my answer for that one, too.  Turns out I'm already on the right path :-)

My hope is in the Lord.  I won't be shaken.  Twitching and tremors?  Sure!  I have a tremor in my right arm that could probably register on the Richter Scale ;-)  But shaken?



Muffie said...

What a scary experience for you, but I'm glad you were able to find peace -- even while sitting on one of those horrible tables. Isn't it amazing that when we're at our lowest, God comes along and sweeps us off our feet? Hope you're feeling better.

Tina said...

He totally spoils me, Muff :-)

Take good care of yourself! You're the best!


Anonymous said...

If I were not a child of God, I would not understand and if I did not have MS the things that I might write could appear as trite and "bumper sticker" theology but I do know this God who turns our sorrow into joy, who can take the worst situations and somehow lift us to places that are indescribable and uncomprehendable to those who have never experienced what it is to be a wounded lamb carried in our Savior's arms. It is so true that when we reach those moments where we lie helpless, alone, broken and lack any sense of control (not that we ever actually HAVE control) our Lord reminds us that in that moment of stillness HE is our refuge and our strength. He alone, will lead us through.

I am so happy to know that you have an answer to your ginormous decision and that you are already on the right path.... I pray the times you find yourself alone, perched on tables covered in noisy paper (metaphorically speaking) that you are wrapped in the knowledge and presence of God's love and find a peace that diminishes all of your fears and provides you with a comfort like no other.

Thank you once again for sharing

Tina said...

Your comment was so beautiful and inspiring that I copied a portion and shared it with my friends. As one of my friends often shares, when you're brought up in the Lord, He can sometimes not seem quite so 'real'. It is stories like ours, comments like these, that point to His realness. Thank you for being so bold in Him :-)

God bless you, sister!