Before I begin, I would like to express how humbled I am by the uplifting comments and messages of prayer I've received in response to my initial 'Taking Every Thought Captive' post. I really can't even process it...that's how touched I was. All I can say is: Thank you :'-)
Thursday kinda started off on a negative foot, due to the fact that my heart decided to leave my body and plaster itself to my ceiling somewhere around 1am. Enter nighttime panic attacks, ice pick headache, and shaking. I did take pride in the fact that I succeeded in dragging a brush through my hair and getting myself to work, looking somewhat presentable. I made it for a few hours before having to leave. Despite taking a 5hr coma-nap, I woke feeling even worse. At that point, I thought it best to make my way to urgent care, where I fought to stay awake on way-too-tall-table adorned with crinkly paper.
It was on that table where 'those' thoughts began to pour into my mind:
- you shouldn't have left work today...you're going to get fired.
- you told your boss during your interview that ms wasn't a problem in the workplace...you're going to get fired.
- this is going to cost you an ER copay. Ha!
- you don't look sick...everyone thinks you're insane.
- you're all alone...no one understands your health...
- you're all alone...no one understands the work atmosphere you came from and the way you carry yourself because of it.
- and, in case there was ever any doubt, you're definitely getting fired.
What did I do in the midst of this barrage? Perched atop paper that echoed within those sterile walls each time I twitched...or thought about twitching? Well, I did what any perimenopausal 40yr old with ms and other unfortunate, prior hospitalizations would do.
I cried. Face in hands. Like a 2yr old.
Wow. Did someone at least rent a moonbounce for that pity party? No? Hmm. Let's be sure to assign someone to that for the next time.
There's something about being completely halted in my tracks that helps me refocus. I was able to combat each of those thoughts and speak truth back to them. I told myself things like...I'm allowed to be sick once in awhile. All I can do is my very best in this job - any job - and if I lose it, it's because God wants me somewhere else. Isn't it great that I don't look as horrible as I feel? I'm anything but alone - He is with me! I won't pick and choose how I shine my light, or how brightly. If I want to get really 'real' with someone and compliment or do something kind for them, I'm going to do it. Every time. It's not so important what people think of me. What matters is that I glorify the Lord in every opportunity :-)
And the ginormous decision I had mentioned in my 1st post? Got my answer for that one, too. Turns out I'm already on the right path :-)
My hope is in the Lord. I won't be shaken. Twitching and tremors? Sure! I have a tremor in my right arm that could probably register on the Richter Scale ;-) But shaken?