I was in the grocery store this morning at 6am on about 3 hours of sleep. Insomnia helps me to be uber productive. In any case, it was me, a few vendors stocking the shelves, a bunch of store workers, and...yeah that was pretty much it. Thankfully. Because I was dragging myself through each aisle, enjoying the musical selection (today's grocery store music ain't what it was in the 70's) when that song by Staind, "Everything Changes", came on.
Know how a song can remind you of something or have special meaning or put you smack dab in the middle of a place you do or don't wish to be? Yep. That one does it to me. So I stood there, staring at the deodorant, whisper-singing the song...tearing up. Not tears of sadness, but those of thankfulness.
See, my husband and I have a wonderful marriage. We're partners, best friends, soul mates...the matching socks in the drawer. Not to say that every day is filled with bliss, but it's filled with blessings. Not to say that every day is perfect, but it's perfect for us. It wasn't always this way. Well, except for the soul mates part.
I'm sharing this in a global fashion, because I remember how I felt like an outcast in those "for worse" times. Things were challenging enough between us before I found myself in the giant, noisy donut machine and received the verdict. One of my first "Top 5 Thoughts" post diagnosis was...what is this going to look like in my marriage if things are already tough? Admittedly, I couldn't see the end of the story.
And it didn't help to know a couple of women with ms, who gushed of their husbands' loving concern for them. Those guys did a number of things like...administered their medications for them, or insisted they stop working, or saw to it they got to the gym on a regular basis, or took the kids to all of their extracurricular events, cooked, cleaned, massaged their feet. Oh yeah I said it. Massaged their feet. I remember smiling and nodding in support of my girlfriends, but behind that smile I was thinking, "whatever. That's so not us. There must be something wrong with me. With us."
We were great at putting on a pleasant act for everyone. We hoped things might magically change back to the way they were in the very beginning, back before a bunch of stuff happened, but didn't really know how to make that so. Life was hard enough for me to get through with a body that was constantly fighting itself. I was putting my every effort into being the best mother I could be and working as many hours as humanly possible. But then we hit our rock bottom. And why this song takes me back is because my husband said to me, in a very dramatic moment..."we stood in front of God and made vows. 'Forever' isn't just a word." And I was thinking, "are you serious? You just quoted that Staind song. How convenient." Go ahead and laugh, it's funny now:-)
After years of prayer, studying God's word, and constant efforts in letting go of the things we were holding onto...we find ourselves living in a marriage of abundance. Not financial, not materialistic, not outward appearances. It's abundance, alright...with partnership, commitment, and reverence. We became the spouses we only hoped to be back in the rock bottom days. Though I can't get a foot massage for anything. Don't let me fool you.
So my apologies to fellow insomniacs in the grocery store who may have heard the sniffling in the deodorant aisle. It's just that I'm in awe of how God worked in our lives...once we called out for help and decided to get out of His way;-)
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:10