Thursday, March 10, 2011

Hangin' On...

Today is a day in which ms could definitely be capitalized.  So here, you get to be MS.  But you'll never be mine.  Never.

My legs were so stiff that I felt like I was walking with stilts.  Wait.  Let's not get crazy.  Stilts that are 3' tall to match my equally long, luxurious legs.  And painful.  Very painful.  I dropped nearly everything I picked up, even that piece of lettuce that had the extra bit of french dressing on it.  You can never get that out, you know.  Never.  I stuttered on a level equal to that of Porky Pig, even going so far as to substitute words that are completely NOT those which I was tripping over.  And "exhausted" doesn't begin to describe the level of tired I feel.  I'm stupid tired.   

This unfortunate physical presentation hasn't just appeared out of nowhere.  It's been building.  It makes me think things I probably shouldn't be thinking, doubting things I probably shouldn't be doubting, and planning things I probably shouldn't be planning. 

Each day, I awake with the intention of "working as if unto the Lord".  By Thursday?  I feel like I'm "working as if unto Night of The Living Dead".  By Friday?  I'm back to getting lost in my closet.  I want to stay home and eat pudding.   

It's been a seriously tough week.  To sum it up, I've napped more this week than I have in the past year.  And when I say "nap", I mean I laid down to do leg exercises and woke up a couple hours later, wondering what day it was.  If you can call "passing out" napping, then yeah, that's what I did.  All week.

Tonight?  I dragged myself home from work, climbed up the stairs to my bed, told my son to wake me in an hour so I could take him to a meeting at school, curled up under my blanket in a fetal position, and dozed off with tears in my eyes.  I hurt.  Everything hurt.  I was beaten down.  I am beaten down.

But I found a piece of scripture that I had never noticed before today.  Okay I'll be honest, I found it when I did one of those "close my eyes, open it, and point" deals.  The last portion of Psalm 91.

“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him."

And that's what I'm hanging onto.


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