Call it the full moon...or the insane stress level over the past week, but I became highly reflective this afternoon. I have this feeling of "angry yuck" and wasn't quite sure what that was all about. I thought it could be identified as "self-pity", but I was wrong, because there's nothing inside of me that feels sorry for myself. I've determined it to be "misunderstood".
Feeling misunderstood is so very frustrating. On the outside, appearing so normal, happy, even a little shiny. I just had my hair colored. Shiny is a good adjective. Inside? I'm tired, exhausted, and beaten down. Wait. Maybe those 3 words are really all the same thing. Add to that - sore, and another helping of - tired.
Maybe part of the problem is my lack of disclosing to others how I'm feeling from day to day, but come on, that's not realistic. So I don't. I go to work, I come home, I take care of my kids, go to bed, stare at the ceiling for a few hours...rinse, repeat. The only time I really delve into ms and its effects on me is here, in my therapy-esque blog. Aren't the readers lucky?
It's like walking a tightrope, really. I want the validation, but I don't want anyone to make a fuss. I want people to understand, but I don't want them to feel sorry for me. Man, that's not an easy feat for anyone to achieve. I need to remember that and not get annoyed with people when they can't magically understand where I'm at. I still think my t-shirt idea would solve everything...
I give thanks to God for my friends who "get it". It brings me to tears to walk out my front door to a medium DD coffee on my porch, 2 handfuls of sugar and cream balanced on the lid and a note that says, "hope you feel better". It means the world to have a friend look me in my blurry eyed, beyond exhausted face and say, "I love you, I'm thinking of you, and I'm proud of you" for being at work today. I don't ask for these things, but it's a welcomed blessing when they happen.
Sometimes I feel like I completely understand my life with ms, seeing as how I've been living with it for almost 12 years now. But there are times I feel like I'm back at square one! I think there's a reason "lunar" and "lunatic" are similar...ha!