Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I Am On Break

...from work.  Not from life, nor from ms. 

And it comes in good timing, because I was on the verge.  The verge of what, I'm not sure.  But it was big, whatever "it" was. 

I could tell "it" was coming, seeing as how I was having increased difficulties getting out the door for work.  See, there's this strange thing that happens to me when the going gets really, really, ridiculously rough?  I get dysfunctional. 

Like I get up for work 2 hours before I have to walk out the door, yet I can't.  I get "lost" in my bedroom, when I'm dressing.  No outfit looks right and I begin to slowly, methodically change top after top after top.  Keep in mind, I really only have about 7 of them.  My rational brain says, "you'll wear it tomorrow, why are you obsessing?  Put something on and GO!"...but I can't.  Then I can't fasten my necklace.  Fingers won't work properly.  I spend another 5 minutes trying.  Put that necklace back and get another...more time, more anxiety, more stress.

Then it's time to blow dry my hair.  I obsess over the fact that it never looks the same from the time I style it at home to the time I arrive at work.  So I find myself stopping 2 steps out of the bathroom to turn back and look at it, then 4 steps, then to the door and back.  It's like trying to catch Santa placing the gifts under the tree...I'm trying to spot at which point it goes downhill.  I've narrowed it to somewhere between my front door and the car.  I wonder if it's that I become stressed out and run my hand through it?  Nah...can't be;-)

I get to the end of the road and can't recall if I turned off the coffee maker.  Did I unplug the hair dryer?  Did I lock the door?  Drive back...yep...all 3 are done.

Late for work.  Again.

It's not always like this, mind you.  It's just when I'm coming undone.  I was faring well with the gnawing pressures and unfortunate circumstances surrounding me as of late.  So what threw me over the edge into "Dysfunctional Land"?  The award goes to...MS! 

Can't find my words to form eloquent speech.  Fatigue x 3.  My right leg has decided that it wishes to stop and smell the roses, and my left leg is wobbly and a little floppy.  Stumble...sputter...grab onto hard surface or nearest person or fall.  Then try to find the words to describe what just happened.  It is at that point where I question whether or not it was a good idea to leave the sanctuary that is my bed.

But perhaps most troubling to me is the new head and neck tremor.  I discovered that while asking a grocery store clerk where I might find the additional quantities of sweet potato chips.  "Excuse me, sir"...head and neck shiver...(omg, what the heck was THAT???  I hope he didn't notice.  Oh great, he's looking at me sideways.  He SO noticed.  Quick!  The chips!  Ask about the chips!)  It's been happening a handful of times each day.  And night.  Even when I'm just about asleep.  Don't get me wrong, I don't usually mind tremors.  I get them often in my fingers, hands, and arms.  But I'm not a fan of these.

I often fool myself into thinking I have control over everything in my life.  I appreciate the reminder that ms provides in showing me that I control very little, if anything.  So Lord, if You don't mind...I'm giving it all back to You.  Sorry I tried to carry it on my own.  Obviously, my legs aren't strong enough to bear the load.  And, at this point, ms is making me feel a little like a puppet on several strings. 

I found a video that I identify with.  And, like this guy...I'm ending up on my knees, slumped down in humility.

It's all Yours, Lord!

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