Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Isolation Island

i·so·la·tion [ ssə láysh'n ]

1.separation from others: the process of separating somebody or something from others, or the fact of being alone and separated from others

2.geographic remoteness: remoteness from other inhabited areas or buildings

Just saying the word quietly to myself gives me a chilled feeling.  Then again, I have the heat turned off in here.  Maybe the chill is legit and I just need to reclaim my snuggie from the basset hound.
Isolation can be something I choose or simply a place I find myself in.  When I choose it, it's because I don't want others to see just how hot of a mess I am at the moment.  And these are some pretty important people.  The family members who just want to know how I'm doing.  The husband who just wants to hold me at night.  The church family that probably wonders just what the heck happened to me.  MS and finance-orexia.  That's what's happening.
I feel like people wouldn't understand.  It's hard enough for them to comprehend what it's like to have ms when they can see a person wearing the symptoms, but how about us 'invisible symptoms' folks?  Though right now, I suppose you could say I'm having 'audible symptoms'.  I whipped out with a word salad yesterday, as I accompanied my daughter to a doctor's appointment, that should've received some sort of award for 'shock value'!  The nurse literally stopped what she was doing, put her pen down and said..."I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"  To which I said, "probably not". 
For those times I simply find myself there?  I'm reminded to deliberately fight my way out.  It's as if my choosing to quarantine is so much more acceptable.  If I end up there without intending on it...well, in the words of The Bugs Bunny, "thems fightin' words!"  Listen, I never proclaimed to make sense.  Maybe my reasoning got lost in one of those holes.
Today - I found myself in isolation.
Today - I'm choosing to drink my coffee from the special mug my friend brought to my house one morning when I had been in isolation for so long that my spirit hit the wall...hard.  I remember like it was yesterday.  I found myself lost in my closet, unable to choose an outfit, to brush my teeth, to stop twitching, to stop crying.  Something in me forced myself to send her a message.  Within the hour, she arrived with her Bible, a bag of coffee, and this mug.  Her presence seemed to melt away the coldness and darkness I had become stuck in.  I always say..."everybody needs a Debbie":-)
Today - I will consciously focus on stepping out of isolation. 
...because nobody puts Baby in a corner... 
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. – Psalm 139:7-8

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