- Krazy Glue is not a substitute for stitches/staples. Seriously.
- Hot dogs should be chewed at least minimally. Because what doesn't go all the way down...must come up.
- Your leg is not to be used as a carpenter's workbench, ie. do not steady a branch across the leg and proceed to cut with chainsaw.
- One should not attempt to exterminate groundhogs with a pistol.
- Insecticide is not a drink.
- Insecticide is not tanning oil.
- Insecticide is not bug spray.
- Put down the insecticide. It's just too risky.
- Your roof is not a high dive. Even though I do recall a time when...
- Sprinting into the side of a stopped car is not the answer. Ever.
- Yes, you can use propellant and a lighter to light your cigarette. No, you shouldn't. Just because it may have worked 99x, there's always that 100th.
- It's okay to take a moment to tie your loose shoe string. It is not okay to do so in the middle of the street.
- In coordination with the aforementioned, it's not advised to lay down in the middle of the street and tell officers that you are resting.
- Bats are not housepets, ie. you are discouraged from attempting to pet them.
- Also discouraged is walking up to a random home at 11:47pm, opening the front door and yelling, "GOOD NIGHT!" They may have 4 large breed dogs. You may be slightly surprised by the outcome. For the rest of you? Lock your doors...
And something special for my friends with ms. If you try the P90X that's all the rage, you may wish to consult your doctor. Or at least consult ms first. Two reps of the ab workout may cause intense hand tremors and, when you continue to push through, because you're stubborn? Loss of hearing. But just in one ear. We've got 2 for a reason, right? Right! Time to go rest. But not in the middle of the road...
This is yet another public service announcement. Again...you're welcome.