I had a "moment" while preparing to undergo a test in the hospital. The moment was the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum. And I was quite satisfied with my tantrum, until...I got called out. Here's what happened.
I was happily resting in my hospital bed, watching the daily morning Joyce Meyer program, when an overly tall woman appeared at my door with a wheelchair. "It's time for your stress test". So I asked for a minute to get my sneaks and lady undergarment on and I'd be right there. When you're built like me, you don't do anything physical sans lady undergarment. "Bring those along, we have to get you down there so they can get the injection going." Do what now? A nuclear stress test? Nope. Not going.
"Ma'am, they're waiting"..."not going"..."ma'am please"..."nope"..."please just let me take you downstairs and they can answer your concerns"..."nope, if I go down there, they're gonna make me do it and I'm not doing it. I'm allergic to everything, see my bracelet? They're not putting radioactive crap in me. What if it gives me cancer? I already have ms, I don't want cancer on top of that"..."ma'am, you are not going to get cancer from a test"...in walks the girl to take my blood pressure...176/110..."your bp is very high, please try to calm down"..."I'll be calm when that wheelchair goes away!" (pointing firmly) My chest went from chest discomfort to chest pain instantly. Lots of pain, radiating into my jaw and left arm. Eventually, a doctor came and talked me into getting in the wheelchair.
I arrive to the treadmill room, shaking and with very little feeling in my left arm and hand. "I'm not doing that test". Control freak. Temper temper. The tech entered the room to explain, at great length, how not harmful this test would be. I told her I needed to use the bathroom, needed to pray, and needed calm down. That's when I got called out.
"Do you live your whole life in fear?"
My response? Crickets chirping...
It turned into this huge conversation. She said...we've all been through stuff. The lady who was administering the test? Two time cancer survivor. My 40yr old roommate I had just left a moment prior? Stroke. I had just been talking to her about God and blessings and provisions previous to the arrival of the tall lady w/wheelchair. There's that compartmentalization again. I was, in a sense, ministering and comforting on one hand, confident in my understanding that God is in control...but instantly transformed into a weenie at the sight of the tall wheelchair bearing lady. Maybe it at least gave her a good laugh?
If you read the last post, you know I went ahead with the test. And toward the end of my very brisk walk, I received a humorous word of support from the tech. "You're a big girl now, Tina!" That brought a literal LOL from me, the doctor, and the administering lady:-)
Reminded me of the times Mom would say things like that to me when I was a little girl, and any opportunity to retro is welcomed. First time on my tricycle. First time on a skateboard, albeit seated. First time on my big girl bike. First time on my K-Tel skis. First time I whacked the wiffle ball over the fence and into the neighbor's pool with my fat bat. How does that seem like yesterday?
We really do go through stuff, don't we? I remember when my biggest concern was forgetting my spelling book in elementary school, if that pimple would clear up before jr high school pictures, or if he thought I was cute in high school. Today's concerns seem so much bigger. But as my grandmother has shared, they only seem big. When I get to be her age, I'll wonder why I wasted my time worrying. Keep in mind, she's one of the biggest worriers I've ever met. To which she says, "yes, that's what I'm saying..." Mmmmyeah, I don't know either. Maybe compartmentalizing is genetic?
Just goes to show that I'm such a work in progress. I've never proclaimed to be anything more than that. Nowhere near where I need to be, but a whole lot farther than where I started. Now if I can only focus more on the journey than on the circumstances? I might actually be gettin' somewhere!