Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I Always Feel Like...Somebody's Watchin' Me!

Because I've openly proclaimed my faith in Christ and work in a Christian school, I feel like somebody's always watching me to see how I'm going to handle any given situation. I handled trials much differently B.C. than I do now. But I'm called to, right? I can't just fly off the handle anymore when things aren't fair or don't go my way! While there are Biblical accounts of Jesus flipping out, I can't be the type of Christian who manipulates scripture to excuse my behavior...even if I really, really wanna flip out! 'Cause I really, really wanna flip out. Sure.

I'm called to display the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. A dear friend once pointed out that these are in a particular order for a reason. You can't have gentleness without love, self-control without faithfulness, yada yada. Last year, said fruits were a part of our school's theme verse. It was the first time I'd seen the verse and I remember thinking, "pffft, that's easy stuff!" Not. In fact, self-control is most difficult for me. I'm thankful that I have a whole lot more of it now than I used to, but I certainly have room for improvement! It's not that I act upon my raw emotions, ie. flipping out...I know enough to keep it under wraps! But it doesn't mean I don't sit and stew over stuff, which negatively affects my joy, peace, patience...you get the point. Plus, though others might not see my inner "Pinky and The Brain" psyche, God does. And I've already got a lot to answer for when I stand before Him, much less adding all of that drama to the mix. All that to say, I've got lots to work on. Thankfully, I'm a work-in-progress!

Stuff is starting to mount, one on top of the other. Underneath the Jenga pile is me, balancing on one foot with my eyes closed. All the while, trying to keep the love of the Lord inside of me, trying to keep shining His light, and trying to fake Alice out. No need to rear your head, Alice! I'm not at all stressed out! Nothin' to see here! You just stay nice and calm, mmkay? Shhhh...

But Alice knows and she's in a bad mood. The mere thought of getting up from this chair to refill my glass with water makes me want to cry, then sleep for a few hours. The fatigue is pretty ugly right now and I'm literally willing myself out of bed in the morning and down the stairs for some much needed coffee, yet I can't fall asleep at night. Sunburn's back. My left eye decided that it was going to put a cloud in my field of vision for much of the day. Thanks for that, eye! You do what you gotta, I have 2 of you and the right eye showed up for work today! All the while, I keep telling myself to tough it out and keep going. "Ruuuuun, Tina! Ruuuuun!" Speaking of, that might look like a hot mess right about now if I were to try. When I bend my head down, I get that little reminder sensation in my right leg. BZZZZZ. It's called L'hermittes Sign. Only the coolest people have it. Definitely a time I can't "walk it off". Oh Alice! You spoil me!

Here comes my daily affirmation. I know that good times always follow the bad. This is just more "refining" in the fire. I have some decisions ahead of me and they've got a little weight to 'em. People are waiting and watching to see how I handle myself. Among the observers are my own kids, my little apples of my right eye...'cause that's the one that's seeing clearly! Not that they know the full drama, but they always know something. Scary. So it's up to me to teach them by example. I want to show them that we don't live this crazy life alone...we've got a loving, awesome God to protect us and guide us through. No matter how hard things might seem, or how uncomfortable we may be, He is faithful and never disappoints. I will choose to find the positives in our current circumstances, because my attitude is my own God-given choice.

There's a song out now that says: What you gonna do? The world is watching you. Every day, the choices you make say what you are and who your heart beats for.

That pretty much says it all!

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