I personally love that option that the creators of secure websites give us. Forgot your password? Yes, thanks! I just now did it logging into this site. Sure, I've successfully logged in many times! But today? Forgot my password.
I've not slept over the past week or so, though. I know enough, medically, to realize that our brains utilize sleep as an opportunity to defrag, clear out the yucks, and start over. I think that knowledge is what keeps me up even longer. I look at the clock and think, "1am...gotta be up in 5 hrs...that's not much rest my brain gets. Ugh, 3am...that's only a tiny bit of repair my brain can do! Uh oh...4am...there's my husband's alarm and I'm gonna be in trouble!" I never knew anyone who could pressure themselves into sleeping, or who could lay in bed, tense up, and say, "I'm going to sleep NOW!" I'm my own worst enemy...
And my mind runs at 150mph, which doesn't help with sleep.
I can go from mentally preparing a lesson for a particular student - to thinking of a pumpkin latte - to thinking which bills will I swap from the "I can't pay you yet" to the "I'll pay you so you stop calling me" piles - to getting up midstream and loading the dishwasher - to recalling another student has a big test on Tuesday - to what meetings do I have this week - to the dogs want out - to I'd like to make a covered dish for this weekend's fellowship meal at church...to a minimum of 8 additional thoughts. And that's all happening in just 5 minutes' worth of time. That's when I'm "on".
When I'm in an "I've forgotten my password" moment, I have to think about thinking about all of those things. I'm a little slower, but can't afford to be, because my life is that fast and I can't miss a beat. It becomes a conscious effort. I've had people ask me if I was angry with them, because I've looked through them as I've walked down the hall, or had a rather blank look on my face. Nope, I didn't even notice you. Not because I don't love ya, but because I'm making a mental checklist and it's like swimming in jello. My brain can only do a certain number of things at once. When the flow is interrupted, I lose capacity to socialize with you AND pull off 189 thought processes. Something has to give, and I suppose my ability to freely mingle is first to get dumped?
I tried to explain it to my husband and he plainly said he doesn't get it. He is perfectly capable of sitting in his oversized chair, finger hanging from mouth, pitcher sized glass of iced tea to his right, changer to his left, and thinking of ab-so-lute-ly NOTHING! Am I jealous? Sure I am. Well, not entirely. I think it's how we're paired up, right? Like, if we both had 150mph minds and ran on 2-3 hrs of sleep, that wouldn't work. Ok, so the house may be a little more clean, but our kids would need pediatric doses of Xanax. And if we both were able to sit around with fingers in our mouths and think of absolutely nothing, our house would be a disaster and there would be no one to play the shell game, Price Is Right style, with our household bills. We balance one another in a crazy yet perfect way...a way that God knew would work. That's why he planned our course so that we'd meet in a head on collision. If I could create a yellow road sign to describe our marriage, it would be "God At Work". And really, isn't that all we can hope for?
Do you like how I just wrapped many thoughts together in no particular order? This is why I exhaust myself...oh wait...the dryer stopped, dogs want in...gotta go plan a meal!
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