I walked into work today with that heavy load on my shoulders...the one I wake up with when I know I've messed up and need to clear the air.
This mess up came in the fashion of me allowing myself to be worn down to a nub. A nub can't shine a light, and I certainly didn't. I knew I had to apologize for being edgy, not so much AT a coworker, but in her presence. It was one of those, "WHAT! You gotta be kiddin' me!" vent-like responses that I so quickly give. Except when I give those, it's usually to someone who knows me well enough to understand that I'm really a very loving person underneath the temper I have. The temper that I've convinced myself I've beaten over the course of the past 20 years, because when I get REALLY ANGRY...I just keep quiet. 'Cause when you're silent, noooobody knows. Shhh...
I entered the office and anxiety set in. What do I say? Do I even bother? I mean, it's not like I said something offensive to her. I'll just let it go. I'll pretend everything's fine. My actions will speak louder than my...what's that, Lord? Is that "butterflies in stomach" feeling I've got Your way of saying, "go do it"? Ugh, fine. But I'm blaming ms. I'll explain how I've not slept more than 3hrs a night in a month. Then I'll say it's been seriously hot, my legs are shaky, and I'm vibrating from my armpits to my buttocks. Keepin' it G rated. And I'll tell her how I've scratched red marks into my stomach and shoulder from itchy spots that have no cause, other than a neurological misfire. Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll blame ms for that outburst...
I approached my coworker and said, "Hey, I hope you'll forgive me for my..." and here's where my heart took over..."lack of self-control this weekend with my ranting". Her response? "Hey that's your problem. I mean, ya know...whatever" complete with hand swat.
Um?
So I politely completed my apology by sharing how, each day, I make a conscious effort to shine a light. And that I fell very short the other morning, and I felt it was only right to apologize. Insert smile, turn, and exit stage left. Had to digest that one. And a hand swat too? Really? Aren't people automatically supposed to accept my apology, or tell me to think nothing of it? Wait a second. Why am I now pointing a finger at her, just because she didn't respond the way I thought she should? I'm responsible for me, and need to carry myself as such. And why am I so deep right now? Now THAT one just may be the fault of ms.
While I could easily blame ms for my current emotional fluctuations, and while that could honestly be quite legit, I can't. Or shouldn't. Though I wanna. People should be able to tell I love the Lord by the way I carry myself. I'm supposed to exercise self-control. Yet another reason I dislike exercise. I shouldn't fly off the handle and feel like it should be fine because I've apologized. And I shouldn't blame my companion of 10 years now. We're like...common law or something. So what kind of thanks would that be?
So I'm making the effort to rethink my circumstances. The lack of being tired at night? Allows me to play UpWords with my kids, because they're also up way too late this summer. I talk to my friends online, do my banking, and cook meals for the following day. And the weak legs? Eh, no biggie. I have a sit down job and my chair has wheels. I roll to the printer, roll back. It's very nice. The vibrating torso? Some people pay for back massagers...mine is built in. I should be thankful, right? Right! Yes. Thankful. I shall be thankful. Always. Pray continually. And give thanks in all circumstances. Said with head nod on each word. Yes, yes, yes. I'll try. Though I wish they made an ointment for these itchy spots.
Now where is that cup of coffee I made and sat down somewhere in this house? Forgetfulness. That's one I forgot to mention earlier! Yes, I will blame ms for that...
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