Wednesday, September 30, 2009

It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better...

As with any "flare", it gets worse before it gets least for me. Like, if I'm having the sunburn feeling across my back, it'll get skin graft worthy before it dissipates. And if my emotions are really askew, they'll become unrecognizable to me before they improve. Today is that day. I know this, because I'm well aware that it cannot get worse! I feel as if I may start crying at any moment and I'm positive it will not stop for a good while once it starts. So! I'm toughing it out, sucking it up...all those super cool athletic catch phrases! The bottom line is, I'm not gonna do it.

Like I was saying, emotions...all over the map...due to overabundance of stress over the past couple of weeks. Next usually comes physical pain, which has just started. Every muscle in my feet and calves is tight. The skin across my chest and the top of my back is starting to burn a little. It'll get worse before it gets better, but I take comfort in knowing I'm well into the cycle. I currently have no ability to plan ordinary tasks, such as getting ready for work this morning. Shoes before socks, brush teeth without putting paste on the brush, leave access card for building clipped to the 3rd outfit I tried on and threw back on the bed...check, check, and check!

Once I got to work, because that was a conscious effort in and of itself, God took over. My sessions with my students were flawless. Just as in my days of working in medical never interfered. I may have put the butter from my morning breakfast in the freezer, but I knew that we were supposed to get a check from Aetna on such and such day and exactly how much it would be for.

I'm thankful for that ability. At one of my many quarterly check ups with my neuro, she informed me that my "days of multi-tasking are over". Sorry, sister. You've got the wrong lady. I can work circles around lots of people...just don't ask me to pack lunch for the day, because there might be a shoe in your lunch kettle. Dating myself again...I don't think they make kettles anymore. Remember the KISS one? I do. I had that and Charlie's Angels. Oh no...retro'ing again!

Everyone's got a strategy. Heck, I say that word a hundred times a day to my students. "You need a strategy for this math problem", "you need a strategy for studying this material", etc. In reading my friend's post about her current emotional struggles, she is using the "withdraw" strategy. She plans to hide out until the storm passes. When I read that, I caused me to consider my strategy. I realized that I will purposely put myself in situations where I am among others. But sometimes that's not the best route to take.

I liken it to when you go to the eye doctor and they dilate your eyes so that you can try your hand at driving home half blind? You find yourself concentrating very hard to do what you could do as an autonomic response just 5 minutes prior. That light's red, right? That car's coming but I can't tell how fast, so I'll sit for an extra second. Better safe than sorry. Everything you do is second, third, and fourth guessed before you do it. If you screw up, CRASH! Well, this is similar. Interacting with people is automatic for me. But now, I have to second guess everything before I say it...then third and fourth guess how it may have been interpreted! Talk about exhausting!

So all these years, I've thought it best to take the approach of seeking out social opportunities as a coping mechanism for these occasional ms emotional oceans, as opposed to withdrawing. But after yesterday and today, I'm wondering if my friend isn't onto something! Yesterday, I was so off my game in a work meeting that I looked like a goof. I couldn't string a thought together and stuttered like Porky Pig. Today, I was reminded that the only perfection I have is in Christ. He never disappoints, never offends, and is always with me. I can't place the burden of making/keeping me happy on those around me, because who can possibly bear that load? If I can't organize my thoughts, I certainly can't expect someone else to. My Lord is the only one capable. Maybe my new strategy, so as to protect my reputation and safeguard such variable feelings, should be to withdraw...with my Bible! Being alone is scary when I'm feeling like this, but the only 100% safe person to be with is Christ. Well, some Constant Comment tea couldn't hurt as well, right?

Thank you, dear friend, for your posts. They are blessing me!

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