I try to remember to say those 2 little words to myself over and over. BE STILL.
I remember, back when I was a little girl, Mom would yell, "why can't you just be still?" I liked to run around the back of her '72 Buick Skylark, jump on the backseat, and stand dead center on top of the bump for the driveshaft, resting hands on each corner of the front bucket seats to steady myself. Head directly in her field of vision in the rearview mirror. "Why can't you just be still!" The 70's were so cool. Kids today don't get to experience the thrill of laying up in the ledge above the backseat, under the back window. Nor do today's kids understand that we had safety features far surpassing those of a brand new Chrysler. We had......."quick action Mom arm"! They've since tried to duplicate it with things like seat belts and airbags. My car supposedly has airbags in every nook and cranny + a 5 star crash rating. I'll tell you right now, if there was a crash test where it was '72 Skylark w/Mom arm vs my car w/entirely inflatable passenger compartment, I'm going all in on Mom arm! Thinking back, the only time I lost a tooth from being thrown against the dashboard, my Dad was driving. Dad arm is not at all like Mom arm. He was too busy trying to steer out of it, whereas Mom could multi-task. O, M, and G...I'm totally retro'ing! It's been a hard day, this seems to be when that happens!
In fact, it's been a very hard week and it's only Tuesday. Seems like when something completely overwhelmingly emotional happens, it's a red carpet for my old friend - Emotional Ocean. I doubt that's a wikipedia term, though I could coin it. Somebody flicked the switch! I'm happy, but I'm sad. I'm up, but I'm down...in and I'm out. Hey, I'm an Alanis Morissette song! Be still...
The Bible says, "Be still and know that I am God". That's my assurance that I am not alone, ever.
Outwardly, I'm fine. I'm having to consciously decide to be fine, however. I know this is just another way ms presents itself in my life. It'll go as quickly as it came on, and I'll be fine. In the meantime, I'll continue to mirror the song lyrics from Natalie Grant's "Perfect People".
Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live and that's how we try
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But IT only lasts for a little while
And in this case, the IT means this Emotional Ocean. I'm an old pro at covering it up and pressing on, however. But I'm hoping one of my friends will tell me if my smile is crooked, because that's a whole 'nuther ms symptom that I should know about!