Friday, September 25, 2009

Where's The Faith?

From "" - Jesus assures us that our heavenly Father will take care of all our needs (Matthew 6:25-34). Therefore, we have no need to worry about anything.

Yeah. I know all the Bible verses that address worry. I know that God is ultimately in control. As shared in previous posts, I'm have no man made weapons at my disposal to combat ms and the slew of symptoms I experience in a given day. That leaves me fully, totally, and completely dependent on Him. And really, isn't that what we're supposed to be? Head knowledge is one thing, but making it a way of life and keeping it as such is another. I'd say that most of the time, I'm at peace with my circumstances. But I still fail the trials when the going gets rough. Allow me to explain...

For the past 2 months, I've had this intermittent nerve pain in the back of my head, across my face, and into my ear. My hearing was muffled, my face felt like it was melting, and I'd get this occasional feeling of fullness behind one eye. So being the tough girl I am, I pushed through it, went to work every day, and tried to be the pleasant little Christian gal everyone knows me to be. But inside, I was thinking...I hope this goes away soon, because I cannot tolerate this daily pain. Two months later and the pain got stronger and became a daily thing, rather than a "once in awhile" thing. I hate pain. I especially hate nerve pain. So who came to visit? Oh hello, Worry! It's been a long ya been?

My story of wicked nerve pain ends well. I had a problem in my neck that dear friend/chiropractor corrected. Of course, there was no guarantee that the adjustment would fix all of my problems...and she never makes that promise. But she did her thing and I know she prayed me through. When I sat upright and didn't feel the "hot nails on my face", well, I couldn't get myself together! The tears of joy kept coming! Then joy turned to shame and I was inches from ugly crying.

Earlier in the day, I heard that other voice that we all hear when we get really depressed. I thought to myself, "is this it? I'm going to have searing pain for the rest of my life?" and I'd quickly run through 1 Thes 5:18 - "give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus". I'm sorry, but nerve pain sucks! Can't imagine giving thanks for that. Then came the worst of the worry! Can I be a great mom to my kids if I'm taking high doses of neurontin each day to get through? Can I go to work and function like that? Heck no, last time I took that stuff, I plunged my brand new John Deere straight into the driver's side door of my car! The great thing about neurontin? I couldn't have cared less! Sat there on my shiny green tractor, laughing hysterically! You know who didn't laugh? My husband, that's who...

So where's my faith? Do I give praise only when I'm walking, working, seeing, etc.? When the symptoms are tolerable? I usually feel like I walk side by side with Jesus. Last night, when I realized I had worried so much about enduring that awful pain and what it might mean to my parenting, my marriage, and my work...well, I realized I strayed from my walk. And it was emotionally overwhelming. I realized that, even in my unfaithfulness, He chose to surround me with people who love and care for me. People who could witness the rare occasion where I fall apart at the seams and love me nonetheless. And one particular dear friend, strong in her faith, to remind me where I'm supposed to be. I can't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will "worry about itself". Why didn't Annie sing about that? Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I'll feel worry...tomorrow! It's only a day away...

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