Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Times That, "I Get So Lonely"

Yeah, it's a Janet Jackson song. I've gone to every concert she's done here in my city, so it's no wonder one of her songs might stick with me. There are times...boy are there times...I get so lonely!

My rational mind knows how ridiculous that sentiment is. I have probably THE most incredible support system. My family members are all-stars, my friends are straight from God, I have an amazing what's the problem?

I used to think depression was a state of mind. I have family members who suffered from it and I'd think, "I wonder why they just can't get happy?" And then it came at me about 5 years ago! I remember on one of my many drives to the holistic practitioner, the rain was so hard I could barely see. I had my wipers set on "holy crap" mode. Tractor trailers were zooming by on the opposite side of the road. Car time for me is very reflective. I got to playing the "what if" game. What if I wake up tomorrow and my usual morning "inventory" is off? Usual morning inventory goes like this:

Did I hear the alarm? Ears, check!
Do I see the time? Eyes, check!
Can I swing my legs to the side of the bed? Cool!
Can they get me across the floor? NICE!

When I play the "what if" game with myself, I've taken my eyes off of my Lord. We all remember the story where Jesus tells Peter to get out of the boat and come to him, Peter looks down and goes into the water? I've been in that water A LOT! That day, especially. I thought some very awful things about life and about myself.

I knew I was in trouble. But where could I be completely real in total confidentiality without risking reputation for what I needed to share? Dear friend/chiropractor! That poor woman. Writing these diary-like entries has reminded me of how often she intervened to get me out of sticky situations. Like I've said before, God gives us just what we need when we need it. He does that in many ways, and putting someone in our lives to stand in Christian love and support is one of 'em. Anyway, I had a very difficult conversation with her that resulted in me going to my neurologist and receiving some anti-depressants. The neuro felt it was chemical, ms gets into its little K-Tel chemistry set and plays around at times. It could resolve in time. I took the medicine for awhile and was able to wean off after about a year. What a very dark and hopeless time. Thanks for the chemistry experiment gone wrong, ms! Love ya for it!

Doesn't mean I don't get lonely, though. And you might know the aforementioned song's lyrics, "I get so lonely, can't let just anybody hold me". I often don't want to share my raw feelings with others, not even my husband. If I do, I'll look weak or something, right? And I'm strong, can't let 'em see me sweat! Well, most of the time. But God knows. I worked on putting the next couple of lyrics in my heart and making them all about God. They go, "You are the one that lives in me. Want no one but you". Janet...Miss Jackson, if you're nasty...would be proud to know I turned her song into a Christian one!

I realize that if I base my feelings of happiness/completeness on people, even if they're completely awesome (and I'm blessed to know plenty of them!), I've set myself up for disappointment. People will always disappoint, not because we try to, but because we're imperfect and can't help it. My focus has to be on Christ. He never disappoints, ever. So when I get to feeling lonely and I make the mistake of starting up the "what if" game, or feeling as if someone has let me down, I look to Him to calm the storm. Oh me of little faith, why do I doubt?

Since I enjoy songs so much, I'd like to share this one...

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