Yesterday morning, I was led to write a post about the dark and depressed state I found myself in. Within a few minutes of submitting it, I decided I was INSANE to have put all that out there in such a broad forum and ran back to the computer to delete it. Prior to doing so, I checked the "stats" tab in the hopes that no one had read. There were already 12 views. Ugh. 12 people knew I was a hot mess within about 3 minutes. Stellar.
I spent the vast majority of the day wrapped in my snuggie with a cup of coffee in one hand and my Bible in the other. I wanted to completely immerse myself in truth, so that I could get back to that metaphorical sliding board with the right perspective. I prayed, asking that the root causes of this funk be shown to me. Because come on, none of us are free of trials and crappy circumstances. We are the fans, and I don't have to finish the cliche statement about exactly what gets thrown our way on a regular basis! I was wondering why I was at the bottom of the slide all the sudden?
Fear, anxiety, worry, and guilt. I had that checklist set out in front of me in fairly short order. And those negative feelings are intertwined together like a Seinfeld episode. Again, hot mess.
I even noticed it in some of my recent blog posts as I read back over them. Like how I didn't feel very useful, on account of not being able to work the hours I used to, or perform the physical tasks my coworkers easily complete...all with invisible symptoms that others just can't understand. I feel like people may be thinking, "ugh, she's so lazy". Like how the grocery bagger man must've felt before I openly announced my medical affliction in front of a line of patrons in the hopes that he'd just do his job...'cause I had already put my full day of work in. I wasn't displaying any Fruits of The Spirit that day! And then I feel guilty about it. All of it. Hot mess.
I occasionally slip low enough down the slide and worry that my husband might come to resent me, because of how hard he works and it still doesn't seem like enough. Or that he just might resent me, in general. Or that my parents will resent me for needing to ask for help at my old age. Or that my kids might resent the fact that their friends' moms don't have holes in their heads. Okay, that sounds kinda funny when I put it in those terms. I'm now laughing. Of course my rational mind knows far better than to actually believe these worries, but emotions aren't always rational. That's why I absolutely love the statement, "emotions will lead you astray, but the Word of God stands firm".
So the end result is...this spirit is recharging:-) I jumped into the Word armed with a submissive heart and a snuggie, and can feel it slowly lifting. It's very slow, but that's ok. This isn't the first time God has had to pick me up and dust me off, and it won't be the last. But He began a good work in me, and we know how the rest of that verse goes. Trading in a hot mess for a beautiful one (thanks for the reminder, Debbie!)...