Friday, October 22, 2010

I Need A Code Shirt. Or Hat.

I think I covered "invisible symptoms" before, right?  Like how I feel more than blessed that you can't see how I feel?  But yet...sometimes I wish you could see how I feel?  There are stati on Facebook all the time about this or that group of folks don't want a cure, they want acceptance.  Well I'd like both.  A cure and acceptance.  But at this point?  I'll just take the acceptance.  So I got to thinking, after talking with my boss tonight....we (ms'ers) need a code shirt.  Or something.

Because if I were using a walking aid, no one would expect me to lift, drag, and arrange a heavy 10'x4' folding mat, an awkward 8'x4' mat, and a smaller and much more easily managed mat.  By myself.  But weakness and fatigue can't be seen.  No one would expect me to vacuum my classroom.  Because they'd understand that I don't vacuum my house.  My kids know it's their job, because they've grown up watching all that is me.  All I have to say is, "hey guys, it's lookin' like the house needs..." and they say, "we got it, Mommy."  My Lord, thank You for them:-)

Also what folks can't see?  A sizeable serving of emotional lability.  Though can you classify it as such if it's essentially a sad situation that you've not allowed yourself to feel, and so it comes rushing forward like a flood?  Well, I'm blaming ms.  Because clearly...I'm always quite in control of my emotions.  The thing about emotional lability's exhausting.  I was exhausted when I woke up this morning, then came the EL.  I'm at the point where my eyes burn.  I'm stupid tired, which is the highest form of tired.  What better time to compose a blog post?

People can't understand what they don't see.  I appear lazy.  Or crabby.  Or worn out.  Wait.  That one's true.  Maybe even the last 2.  But definitely not the first one.

If they could only understand the effort it takes me to do a simple thing, like get myself dressed and out the door.  Or to read with this left eye that still has not bounced back to full font view.  Or to try to maintain a pleasant and patient demeanor when I'm feeling nerve pain from my ear to my cheek.  Face cheek, not the other kind of cheek:-)  Or to experience a bout of crying, interrupted by laughter when nothing is funny...then have an immediate craving for sleep.  If they could understand, maybe they would reach out to me and say, "is there anything I can do to help you?" rather than arguing with me about something stupid, which would ordinarily make me angry.  The trouble being, getting angry requires energy I don't have.  Sorry!  You'll have to choose another day to argue with me.  I'm runnin' on empty...and Dunkin'...which doesn't seem to be working as of late.

So anyway, I'm thinking we need code shirts.  Here are some ideas:

"Today I Do Not Feel Well.  Please Be Nice To Me."
"Today I Am Full of Hatred.  Please Stay Back 500yds."
"Today I Am Crying For No Reason.  Please Walk Away.  Slowly."

And if I'm not donning one of these delightful tees, then you can expect me to be the whirlwind I usually am.  Kay?

It's hard when you don't want to play the ms card, yet it's sometimes just the simple reality.  Keyword:  Sometimes.  It's not every day or even most days.  But on those few days?  Yeah.  I want a t-shirt. 

I took a picture of the sky today, because I think of God every time I look to it.  There was something in today's sky that assured me God knows exactly how I'm feeling, and He's got it covered.  I still need the t-shirt, but only for everyone else:-) 

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