Sunday, June 5, 2011

Doubt Stinks

I've been feeling rather anxious lately, ya between really cool field trips with my kids and moments of stopping to smell the coffee.  No, roses.  That was supposed to be roses.  Anyway, lots of thoughts on my mind, darting back and forth, playing double dutch and hop scotch.  Something in my chest feels like a motor on full throttle, like the illustration of the rabbit on my lawn mower as opposed to the turtle.  I've always been intrigued by this.  I wonder who said, as they were assembling lawn tractors, "Hey!  Let's put symbols next to the throttle for folks, just in case they can't read the words 'high' and 'low', and let's make them animals!" to which another guy was all, "Oh my darn!  THAT is the best idea I have EVER heard!"  I think they could have at least put an animal in the middle.  Maybe a groundhog.  I like to ride around the yard on "groundhog", just because I feel like I'm conserving gas.  There I go again, skipping around...focus!  Focus!

I haven't slept well whatsoever.  Not that I haven't been tired, moreso that I haven't been able to remain asleep once I've climbed the mountain that is "trying".  Why?  Well, a dog barks, a husband flops around like a fish trying to get off the line, a cat jumps on my head, or a bladder calls.  This morning, one of the cats woke me by throwing up on my foot.  Eh, at least it was a new way to wake up.  When I'm tired...wait...when I'm *fugh-tigued*, because "tired" and "fatigued" are not the same to me, everything is magnified.  Everything.  Emotions, sense of myself in space, sense of others in my space, that guy's really high voice...everything.

I make decisions of all sizes every day, none of which roll around in my mind and cause me to question myself.  But I recently made one that's doing just that.  And the reason I made it in the way that I did?  Was because of ms.  Doubt is now playing over and over in my mind, because I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by planning around a condition that rarely feels the same way to me from day to day, week to week.  I'm trying to live smarter, which will sound very funny to those who know me.  I have a history of going pedal to metal until I hit the wall.  Hard.  So this was a moment where I thought that "groundhog" may be best. 

Stupid doubt.  Wish I hadn't misplaced that Magic 8 Ball from my junior high days.  Though with the scattered state of mind I'm often in, it would probably just keep coming up "concentrate and ask again".

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