Sunday, April 17, 2011

Waking Up In Worry = Journey Around Town!

Ever wake up in this sense of...doom?  Yeah.  I woke up like that this morning.  Wide eyed, feeling approximately 150lbs of heaviness in my chest, worries playing over in my head.  All out of nowhere.  At 5:17am.  Joyce Meyer writes about the Battlefield of The Mind.  I had that goin' on, let me tell ya, and it was extremely detailed!  It went like this:

Mind: "yesterday wasn't a very good day for you.  All that cognitive stuff?  Whatever will you do without me?"
me: "I am a child of God.  He leadeth me..."
Mind: "and you don't even have a neurologist anymore.  (mine retired)  No one knows your case like she does.  You're SO up the creek."
me: "I don't need a neurologist right now, didn't even go in over a year."
Mind: "you need a neurologist, dummy.  You have ms."
me:  "casting all my anxieties on the Lord, for He..."
Mind: "you're not going to be able to make that mortgage payment you promised, because you forgot about needing oil.  Again.  You're not going to catch up.  Ever." 
me: "God will provide"...I looked over at my sleeping, snoring husband.
Mind: "John is disappointed in you.  He works all the time.  You can't even keep things straight.  Whatever will you do without me?  He'll have enough of all this sooner or later."
me: "John's not disappointed in me.  I talked it out with him last night and he said he could never feel that way"...still staring at my sleeping, snoring husband.  Eyes welling up with tears.
Mind: "no neurologist...bills you can't pay...forgetful...not what you used to be..."
me: "that's it!  I'm outta here!"

Up I rose, pulled a sweatshirt over my head, stepped into my sneakers, grabbed my keys, phone, and set out to find the highest points in town from which to watch the sunrise.  Wanna come with me on a narrated tour?  Okay then!  C'mon!

Ah yes, that explains it.  This is the "black cloud" that was comfortably situated over my house, as taken from a local school parking lot.  I sat there, thinking.  But the thoughts weren't positive ones and I was still arguing with myself.  So I thought...hey, there are other views.  Ones where my mind isn't still louder than the Lord's beauty and His promises.

I drove across town to a church parking lot on a hill.  Black cloud is gone;-)

And then a guy came into the church parking lot and I felt funny standing there in my pajamas, hair looking fierce, taking pictures with my phone. Surely his mind was telling him, "hmph, looks like the guys at the institution forgot to pick one up." So I went back home and took this shot from my front porch.

Home sweet home. Negative thoughts - gone. Anvil on chest - gone. Sleeping, snoring husband -upstairs. Beautiful, healthy children - safely tucked into their beds. Four dogs - staring at me through the picture window.

This is why I love the sky so much. It's like a daily letter from God that says, "I love you, I got you covered...and I'm waiting for you to really get that."

Like paper to rock, the Lord's sky covers my unruly mind ;-)  


Sherri said...

i love this post... i feel this way often... my mind talks to me in very negative ways and gets me all upset, generally over nothing....

i like the idea of getting out and finding the Lord's beauty... and your pictures are so beautiful!! thanks for sharing this... it has really helped me

Tina said...

I'm humbled by your comment, Sherri! I will lift you up in my prayers for that "still, small voice" to be louder than the one that yells. At least in my head;-) You take good care of yourself. So good to hear from you!