Last night, I was driving home from my friend's house with tears in my eyes. These were not pseudobulbar tears, they were the real deal. We had just come from watching a beautiful Christmas production at her elementary school.
I haven't been in the Christmas spirit lately. Not that I don't love the Lord, because I do. Not that I don't celebrate Jesus on a daily basis, because I do. I dislike the "let's buy stuff" theme. I really, really do.
I haven't been very steady lately. While I'm sturdy in build, I'm unsteady in gait. But! I must be pulling it off, because no one has noticed. Except for me. Yesterday, for some reason, people kept bumping into me. It took a great deal of energy to steady myself after each encounter. In the evening, we went to a Christmas show (excellent show, by the way) and it was crowded both before and after. I was bumped into a minimum of 10x. On one occasion, a man banged into me with a pretty good amount of force as we were in a cattle chute-esque line...and I subsequently bumped into a woman, who was NOT thrilled with me despite my apology. Silly woman. Clearly, she did not realize that she could've been critically injured had I completely lost my legs and flattened her. Again, invisible symptoms. Next time, I'm so taking a cane along. Then maybe the man would've apologized to me, or at least been more careful of me. And maybe the woman would've at least understood. Or not.
I haven't been very smiley lately, at least not for long. I see my grandmother slipping away. It hurts. A lot. My assigned role has transitioned from "medical decision maker" to "protector". She's made it quite clear that I'm to essentially "keep them away" from her. "Them" equals the doctors and surgeons. Because they feel she's not mentally competent to make sound decisions regarding her care, which she totally is, she has asked me to do everything in my power in this regard. My power? I don't feel very powerful. Wait. She literally just called. She wants a coffee coolatta from Dunkin' Donuts, and says, "I'm not allowed to have it, so pretend it's yours. Don't let them take it away from you." I'm now Protector of Grandmother/Dunkin' Donuts Product. I'm coming off the elevator with a Heisman Trophy stance...coolatta tucked firmly in my right arm, left arm extended in a "pie face" formation. They shall NOT take the coolatta!
So that's why I was tearing up on my drive home. And then it hit me. I'm a hypocrite.
I had just told a student earlier in the day that my prayer for him was to not focus on the one negative thing that may happen in his day, but to appreciate the 10 positives that came before and after it.
It's SO easy to get caught up in my circumstances. I don't remember what it's like to feel 100% healthy. I barely remember what it's like to have enough money to do things like pay our bills AND take vacations, or have overnight trips, and provide Christmas gifts for not just our kids, but for others. I sorta remember what it's like to not have to pee on a 20 minute schedule. I definitely remember what it's like to stand firm when I'm bumped into...and to successfully put out a 70-80hr work week...and to spend happier times with my grandmother. Circumstances.
So today, I will make a conscious effort to count my blessings. But before I do that, I will accept the challenge of my recently woken daughter, who wishes to race me in Mario Kart. Oh hey! Blessing #1...my daughter. #2...Mario Kart, because it's perfectly acceptable to scrape your car into things in Mario World. Sometimes, I wish I lived in Mario World. That may be my next blog.
Be well, friends!