Thursday, December 9, 2010

I'm A Nyquil Commercial

Sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, I can't rest...

Keep in mind, I'm germophobic.  I use my shirt sleeve to open a door.  I use a napkin to pick up and use a salt shaker at a restaurant.  I also use one to handle tongs at a salad bar.  I use my own whiteboard marker at school, because while I love the children with every fiber of my being...they've typically just wiped their forearms across their running noses or sneezed a handful of "love" into their hands and then want to use my marker or hand me my water bottle.  Love you, sweetie...but you're a 4' bundle of germs.  Unarguably adorable, made in the image of God, but germy nonetheless.  Why am I like this?  I don't want to get sick.  Scratch that...I can't get sick.  Why?  Because "sick" gets ms in an uproar and it nails me with a "pseudo-flare".  Pseudo?  Let me tell you, it feels quite real to me!  Because right now?  I am sick.  And ms is being quite dramatic over it all.

So for example, the only thing I can imagine doing is sleeping.  My eyes are burning.  I feel like that handful of goo I used to throw against the wall as a child...where it would ooze down into a heap on the floor.  Pick it up, toss it again...WHAP...oooooooze.  Yes.  That's me. 

I feel a little sorry when people get colds and they don't have an underlying neurological disease.  I mean, all they get is the sniffling, know the rest.  But me?  I also get leg weakness, eye blurries, slide-down-the-wall-fatigue, muscle spasms, and peeing upon coughing, which is a pretty cool trick.  How boring their lives are.  Truly.  Jealous much, otherwise healthy folks?  Mmm hmm.  I thought so.

And everyone wants to help, God bless them.  "Why don't you take an immune booster?"  Well, my immune system is already quite moody...I'm not sure I want to "boost" what's already in combat against itself.  Or as one dear hearted friend suggested...I could drink this funky stuff from the health food store.  A whole thing of it, not the equivalent of a shot glass.  Know what?  I'd rather cough up both lungs and a spleen.  But it's the thought that counts.  Thanks for trying to help me, but just leave me be the ooze on the wall, that slides down into a pile on the floor...look away...look away...

Wonder if the makers of Nyquil are in the works of a medicine that goes like this:

Sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, leg weakness, blurry eyed, oozing, stiffness, dribbling, so I can stay awake long enough to drink my coffee...........medicine.

Oh.  And make that all possible in a shot glass-sized package.  Deal? 

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