Saturday, September 18, 2010

Some Things Should Just Be Off Limits

On Monday, I became overheated at work.  Not crazily so, but sweating nonetheless.  I was leading a "brain gym" program, dressed in professional garb, rather than ventilated exercise wear.  About halfway through, I noticed things looking a bit askew, so I did the eye test.  You know, close one...look through...good!  Close the other...look through...ding ding ding!  Blurry and loss of ability to see full color.  Left eye, why do you hate me so?  But I thought to myself, "it's okay.  When an eye symptom comes about from overheating myself, it goes away by morning."

No one has told my eye, nor ms, that it's morning alright...Saturday morning.  When I close my right eye and look at my computer screen, the page is nearly all white.  The font disappears.  It's as if there are thousands of tiny white holes in the colors I see through that eye.  Also, if I try to focus on something distant, it takes me awhile.  It's pretty blurry out yonder.  And my right eye?  Lots of black floaters.  That was new in this morning's inventory.  By all accounts, it's worse 5 days later.  And now something's going on with both.   

Am I scared?  Sure.  I'm always scared when my eyes are the target.  I've spent the entire morning wondering if my eyesight would get worse than it is right now.  And if it gets worse and more blurry, could I even drive?  I'm to take my kids out to pick apples, then to a car show, and to hockey tonight.  My thoughts then went long-term.  What if it goes away altogether?  Enter tears.  Lots and lots of tears.  Big ones. 

I haven't cried this hard over ms in a very long time, because I've not been this scared of it.  Vibrations and sensations and shocks and pains and leg weakness don't frighten me, nor do frequent bathroom trips.  Personally, I think eyesight should be off limits, but ms says otherwise. 

I really just couldn't get control of my emotions and my cry hit plaid.  I wanted to drown out my sniffling and the odd sounds I tend to make like, "mwhal!", because my kids were still sleeping, so I quickly put on some music.  I covered my face with my hands, nearly suffocating myself, you know, to try to muffle the sniffling.  And in my head, I started to pray for strength.  Obviously I was reduced to an emotional dishrag.  One that cannot see so well.  There's no worse kind of dishrag.  I then became a praying, emotional, sight impaired dishrag.  My prayer was something like, "Lord, I know You love me.  Please give me the strength to get through this, 'cause I can't without You."

A couple of songs later, once the music was audible over my sniffles and sounds, I heard the guy say, "He knows my name...He knows my every thought...He sees each tear that falls...and hears me when I call."  Oh wow.  And what song is this?  'Cause I never heard it before, and it's hitting the spot like a vanilla bean/coffee coolatta:-)  "He Knows My Name" - Geoff Moore. 

The What If Game is so damaging.  It can take an extraordinarily beautiful Saturday morning and turn it into one of fear and worry.  If I let it, ms will ruin this day with my kids.  Wait.  If I let it, ms will ruin every day.

Be well, my fellow ms'ers.  Don't let it ruin your day, and I promise not to let it ruin mine.  Deal?

He Knows My Name
I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He’ll never leave me
No matter where I go
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

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