Monday, September 6, 2010

MS Simulation Products

There are products that simulate pregnancy, like the weighted vest.  With breasts.  Attractive, don't you think?  Personally, I think they skimped on the breasts.  Just sayin'.

Do you think he sat in the corner for 2hrs, crying and spewing into a bucket? And when she came home from work and found him in that state, do you think she dared to ask what was the matter?  And do you think he said, "do you still find me attractive?  Do you still love me?  I mean, HOW could you love me like thissssssbllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaargh"?  Maybe that was just my pregnancy.

I'd like to create my own brand of MS Simulation products.  These would be me-specific, because I could never pretend to speak for the majority of my ms brethren.  But here's what I'd like to develop:

Wobbly Walker 2010
This year's model is smartly equipped with a rubber stopper to add that authentic tripping feature as you wobble about.  Works best descending stairs.  The accompanying pom pom...just because.

L'Hermittes Sign/Paresthesia Simulator
28 additional leads are included in the packaging of the L'Hermittes/Paresthesia 2010.  Place on face, leg, hand, until every last one is applied.  Turn dial to 8 for the "real feel" dynamic.  For greater enjoyment, have a partner turn the dial from 0 to 20 intermittently...and attempt to carry on a conversation without letting on that something is happening.  But for the love of God, leave the cat alone.

MS Hug Simulator
An essential part of the MS Sensitivity Package, the MS Hug Simulator boasts a 60psi rating.  Sleek new design easily hides under clothing so as to give the illusion that...nothing is wrong.  As you rub your hands across your ribs and sides, passers by will stare.  You're welcome.

Vibration Simulator
This realistic vibrating belt can and should be applied to the waist, the thigh, the upper arm, or the foot.  Or other places.  Whichever.  For best results, put on prior to bed and...try to sleep.  Don't bother seeking the setting dial.  It's either off or HIGH.

Picker Socks
Picker socks are the "must have" for those movers and shakers, especially those who enjoy walking for exercise.  Put on a pair of picker socks, tie your shoes tightly, and experience what it feels like to exercise with MS.  If walking with a friend, you are encouraged to again, attempt to carry a conversation, pretending as if everything is fine.

Floater Goggles

Floater Goggles are lightweight and sporty for 2010.  Pictured above is a beautiful daytime sky.  Floater goggles will challenge you to find the beauty through the moving black spots.  In the words of Tony can doooooooooo it! 

Emotional Lability Carousel
The Emotional Lability Carousel requires user input.  Each time your horse moves upward, you are to laugh.  Each time it moves downward, you are to cry.  Laugh...cry...laugh...cry.  Also to properly experience EL, you are encouraged to laugh at a friend delivering bad news, laugh at illness, and laugh at a funeral. 

Numbing Tourniquet
Sold in pairs.  A fantastic accessory to Picker Socks when exercising.  The Numbing Tourniquets provide a realistic feeling, or loss thereof, of sensation in the legs and feet.  Don't worry, you've been walking with your feet and legs for many shouldn't be a problem at all to concentrate through it.

Faux Weight Simulator
The Faux Weight Simulator adds that 30-40lbs of pressure that one with MS may feel as he or she attempts to get out of bed, to stand from a chair, or to move about during the workday. 

And last but not least, this one's for us................

The Toilet of The Working MS'er

Oh trust me...if I could, I would.

What do you think!?!  Should I get an investor?  Or two?

No comments: