|My Life, nice and neat...|
I was once told that I "compartmentalize" my life. I recall thinking, immediately after hearing that..."and I paid a copay for this?" What exactly is he referring to? So I asked. You don't know unless you ask...
Therapist: "It's when you separate different aspects of your life into compartments, not allowing them to cross."
Me: ((screwy sideways smile)) "so...like one of those tupperware dishes that has the sections so your food doesn't touch?"
Therapist: ((straight faced, slightly annoyed)) "I suppose you could make that analogy. Yes."
Me: "yeah, I didn't like my food to touch when I was little. But they didn't make those dishes back then, so I had to deal with the anxiety of watching the juice from my stewed tomatoes run ((hand making gestures of slow blob running sideways))toward my mashed potatoes. And I'd try to stop it ((jazz hands)) from happening, but I never could."
Therapist: "you're doing it again. You're making jokes instead of addressing the issues at hand."
As you can tell, my therapy sessions didn't last long. Not sure who was tired of whom. But something tells me the therapist wasn't sad that I walked out the one day and didn't reschedule. It truly was easier to be a child of the 70s and keep it all inside. This guy was nice and all, but I wasn't getting rid of my mental and emotional tupperware dividing dishes. That stuff lasts forever!
Didn't he get it? I have to "compartmentalize". We've all got our coping mechanisms, right? Of course prayer is my 1st weapon, don't get me wrong. But just the day to day stuff? I keep it separate. I gotta. I can't let my health run over into my work. I can't let my work run over into my homelife. Can't let business run into personal and vice versa. That would essentially be...shepherd's pie. I can't live like shepherd's pie. Things would get real messy, real fast.
But now I'm starting to call that methodology into question. I have never been hit so hard by a sermon than I was this morning. The opening scripture reading was "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." And in my wonderfully divided mind, I'm saying to myself, "mm hmm, I know that. I also know I'm awfully smart and quite strong. I'm alright." But then he went into how even the strongest people in the Bible had weaknesses. Samson, David, some other guy. I checked out for a moment to ponder...could I maybe not be as strong as I think? Nah. That's crazy talk. We were encouraged to think about our weaknesses and how we might improve upon them.
So I went out for a very long walk. I had another big convo with God and asked that He show me the biggest weakness I need to work on and to let that be the first thing that pops into my head. I'm not one of those people who "hears" God, so I give Him choices as to how to speak to me. Control freak. Like, "if I'm supposed to do this, make this red light turn green....NOW!" I think with a mind that runs as fast as mine, I wouldn't hear God if He were screaming my name. But thankfully, God always humors me.
The first thing that popped into my head? Compartmentalization. I literally yelled out, "WHAT???" I'm telling you, someone's going to send the men in the van for me along this walking route. But there was no answer. Ugh...hate it when He does that.
So as I sat here deciding whether or not to blog this, because it's not so much about ms as it is about life in general...that Meredith Andrews song came on, "Can Anybody Hear Me". And she says, "I know You're here with me, but I just need the faith to see nothing can separate me from Your love". Separate. Compartmentalize. I still don't quite get it, but I'll keep listening. Or giving Him traffic light ultimatums...