BBOH = Big Ball Of Hate. Me for the last several days. I'd been walking around in a tremendous funk, doing my best to appear pleasant and such. But it was fake. Totally faux.
Ordinary things pushed me closer and closer to the edge of reason. These were not major life events. I'm talkin'...stepping in water puddles the dogs leave as they lap from their bowl? I yelled out, "REALLY??? I work all day and come home to THIS?" as if it was the worst thing ever. The basset surely said to the beagles, "well, ladies...she's finally hit the wall. Where's my 10 bucks?"
I wasn't doing well with digesting the many personal disappointments that came my way over the course of about 2 weeks. They ranged in severity from "eh...pretty severe" to "um...not really a big deal". But I let them get to me. All of 'em. And my joy? I misplaced it somewhere in Faux Town. I stayed in prayer, because I know that if I'm feeling bad about life, God's feeling bad that I'm feeling bad about life. I had been asking Him to just hold onto me and get me through the funk. Can't really shine a light if I'm sitting on it. Hide it under a buttox? NO! I'm gonna let it shine...
This all peaked yesterday at work. I had been working through a My Size high stack of ER charts and hit a string of probably 7 suicidal ideations in a row. It's rare to have so many of those without the occasional fish hook removal or GSW from trying to exterminate groundhogs. Just when I was sure that token fish hook chart would be next? Reason code: Attempt. Birth year: 1999. Same as my son's. TILT! Nope, couldn't code that one right then. Time to escape out back.
But as I jumped out of my chair, I was met with shaky legs and nearly fell. Then I began to lose feeling in my face and left hand, and the right hand was shaking like it was electrocuted. Really, ms? Must you have my attention at a time like this? Could you just get over yourself for once? So needy and annoying...
I stared up at the sky, praying out loud for all the pain I had read about. I realized how "real" that verse is that says satan's like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. I just saw 8 "someone"s. I lifted them all to God. I was mad that there is so much hurt. Mad that an 11yr old felt such a lack of hope and joy. VERY mad. And I wanted some answers. Right now. Oh temper temper...
I was mad at how my son just cried the other night because he didn't get a birthday card for about the 5th consecutive year from his grandparents, and that the first thing he questions is his personal worth when holidays and birthdays go by with no acknowledgement from them. Mad that my body fails me at all the wrong times. Mad that I was working such long days and missing my kids so much. Mad I haven't been able to enjoy a vacation, beach trip, etc with my family, yet we're working like crazy people. "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage" became personified! I knew I had to get back to work and was mad about that. Knew I had to finish that little boy's chart. Pulled on the door with all of my frustration and...it didn't budge. Locked out. Oh ho ho yes...temper temper. I then had to walk alllllllll the way around the entire building, which is a strip mall. With bad legs and what was then no feeling in the left half of my body, head to foot. WHY! OH TEMPER TEMPER! Hey, is that the roar of the lion I heard or the sound of me, having an aneurysm?
So I began to walk, carefully, one step at a time. As weird as it sounds, a song popped in my head. "Hosanna" by Hillsong. I don't sit and listen to Hillsong often, so I don't know how that happened. I started humming along. Noticed that, wow, what a beautiful day it really was. 'Bout 80 and breezy, bright blue sky, puffy clouds. Thought about the little boy and trusted he'd get the help he needed. Thought about my kids. Thought about the kids I work with at school and how I can't wait to get back to them. I noticed my legs were more steady. I came to the part of "Hosanna" that I love and began to mumble sing it. It's this part:
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
In my walk from the back of the building to the front, I realized that my heartbreak was nothing compared to God's. My eyes have been opened to the things I'd never seen. It's not been nice and fluffy like those clouds. But everything I am is supposed to be for His cause as I walk, shaky legged, from here to eternity. If only I can just remember that? Thankfully, He's pretty patient with me:-)
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