Thursday, March 25, 2010

"I'm Sorry...What Virus Are You?"

"'Cause I'm MS, (insert inappropriate word)!"

Alice. You can't dress her up, you can't take her out. For those who don't know, a quick recap is in order. "Alice" is the name I've assigned to MS as it resides in my body. Alice likes to party, let me tell ya. She and I, years ago, would've gotten along quite well. But we're very different people now. I really wish she'd just grow up already.

Alice has been partying for a couple of weeks now with no signs of letting up. Come on, am I the only person singing "Tick Tock" in my head right now? The party don't start 'til I walk in? Anyway, it's a rave up in here.

Today's MS Symptoms Du Jour are face and head pricklies, no sense of self on the right side (a la slamming into the door jam in full stride as I was getting ready for work this morning), and the sensation that someone's got their hands across my throat, squeezing. And their hands are hot. Hot, squeezing hands. On my throat. All day.

The other thing that gets Alice in a party mood is illness. Other people's illnesses, not mine. None of what I'm about to say has ever been substantiated by a medical professional, so this is purely opinion! If I figure that my body is attacking itself for no good reason, and your immune system is supposed to attack foreign bodies, can you imagine what havoc is wreaked when a virus DOES enter the mix? I think it's something like this...

Alice in Lady Gaga-esque black leather party outfit, having a blast. Strep Throat walks in, let's give him a red Flava Flav suit with a gold alarm clock necklace.

Alice: Um, who are you and how did you get up in here?
Strep: I'm just tryin' to give somebody a sore throat and be out, I've been partyin' all around school and found my way here after a kid sneezed on this chick, so mind yer bidness.
Alice: Oh hell-to-the-no, I run this show!
Strep: And you are?
Alice: I'm MS...(insert inappropriateness)! STEP!

And then, she starts giving commands to kick his simple self to the curb. "Nerves in the face, get to stingin'! Neck, get to swellin' up! And somebody choke this chick...because I said so, that's why! You don't know me!"

So while I do not contract the viruses the kids at school are sent home in droves with, I believe I do suffer from them in a very different way. One of my students sneezes openly, no facial coverage, and all with a half second warning. If you ever want to see a sturdy girl who's closer to 40 than 30 pull off a scene from The Matrix Reloaded, come watch how I move when I hear that half second warning sound. Back flip, egg roll, triple axle, stick the landing...saliva be darned, you can't touch this!

Waiting for the party to stop...waiting for the party to stop...shhhhhhh...

No comments: