Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Maybe, Just Maybe...(I've reached the top of this flare? And we can sled downhill now?)

I'm just going to get real for a moment and say...

Yesterday was kinda rough.  Like the roughest over the past couple of weeks.

I'm talkin' "falling asleep in the bathroom" - rough.  Actually, while perched on the throne.  How's that for embarrassing?  Although it could have been worse.  I could have fallen off.  When you have a background in medical coding for an emergency dept, you know just how real the possibilities are...

But?  I did my best to keep my head up and press on through each situation that presented itself.  By dinnertime, I was done.  By bedtime, I felt like I - and pretty much everyone else - would probably appreciate me a whole lot more if I never got out of bed the next morning.  In fact?  I was positive that 'everyone else' wanted that.  February is usually too early in the year for that depression 'voice', yet it was there.  And it was loud.  And it was really trying to beat me down.  And it worked, because I woke up this morning with dried tears on my face and my pocket bible in my right hand.

Waking up can sometimes be an event, right?  For me, I can feel my brain attempting to recalibrate.  It tries to cycle through "what day is it" and "what time is it" and "let's get up and go to work/gym/breakfast (depending on the day)" and "but first, coffee!"  That's what it did this morning...all prior to 4am.  I woke.  I immediately knew it was Wednesday.  I felt the dried tears on my face.  Unclutched my pocket bible.  Fumbled for my cell phone to check the time.  Made my way to the bathroom mirror.  Rinsed my face.  Stared into my eyes and had a feeling come over me that was a lot like this:  "Yesterday is over.  You are not staying in bed.  This feeling that 'everyone would appreciate it if you just went into hiding and never came out' is a lie.  Probably.  Even if it's not, you have to keep going.  Get your coffee.  Get yourself to work.  You can do this."

Well okay then, inner-boxing-trainer-with-slight-measure-of-doubt voice?  I'll choose you over that other one ;)

I was at work before 6am, trying to "outrun" the fatigue.  Wouldn't you worked!  Plus, my hair looked good.  Win/win.

I even got my son to his orthodontist appointment early.  Actually, too early.  As in nervous receptionist calling me to the desk, then following up with a sheepish, "We have you in the schedule for *March* 25th."  To which I said, "'re saying I'm too early?"  But she didn't laugh.  Instead, she began a series of apologies.  Finally, I interrupted with, "Listen, I'm just happy I was early for once!"  C'mon, lady.  This is a medical office and you're supposed to have medical humor.  Get on my level!  Life is short and so is my time between bathroom visits.  Let's laugh this one off, shall we?  My son sure did.  He was already at the door with his hand on the handle and a silly grin on his face.  He announced to the crowded waiting room,  "C'mon, Mom...let's go get you a coffee.  You did your best."

Okay, my dear helper dog.  I'd like that, thanks :-)

I even "almost" made it to the gym by 3:30pm, which was a personal goal.  That was "almost", because I made the mistake of laying down for just a minute, resulting in a 2.5hr nap.  But the mere fact that I thought of going to the gym was a small victory for where I'm at right now.  Progress, people!  I'll take it!

I hope - no, I actually think - yesterday was the worst day of this latest spell of yuck.  I'm looking forward to brighter days, which I know are just ahead.  Days which are beyond dried tear faces and sadness.  Beyond the thoughts that are probably not true, even if they feel like it.  Beyond fatigue.  Beyond fear.  My focus needs to stay on the Lord...on "one day at a time, one moment at a time"...on giving each day my very best.  Whatever that looks like.

And what it looked like today was knocking out a huge stack of tasks and getting my son to an appointment.  Twenty-eight days early.  This gives him yet another story for his "My Life With an MS Mom" book.

Bring it on, tomorrow.  My God is already there...

Yeah, I took this one :)

1 comment:

Nancy Mahlendorf said...

One day at a time works for me. I have rails along either side of throne and almost fell asleep once lol!