Sunday, February 22, 2015
Embarrassing New Symptom
I don't know if you're at all like me in this regard, but when I notice a new thing? I play a little game of "Would You Rather".
It goes a little something like:
"Hmm. I can't stay awake. It's been a couple of weeks of dozing off in random areas of my house. I think this is ms-related. Now 'Would I Rather' have this level of fatigue? Or something else. Eh, I guess I'll take this."
As if I have a say.
But I've started with a new thing. A thing I'm finding to be quite embarrassing. Writing about it will help me come to terms with it...I think. As I made my way through the store today, that symptom was all kinds of "HELLO!" and I thought, "Well, 'Would I Rather' have this going on or...(fill in a plethora of other possibilities)?"
As if I have a say?
Anyway, I decided I would tell my husband of my new symptom. He handled it as he handles anything new about ms...by staring blankly and wrinkling his mustache. It's okay. I know that wrinkle is done with full support ;)
When I have a new symptom, it seems to slap me upside the head a bit. Because prior to that, I pretty much just do life. I "mother", I work, I sleep. But new symptoms have a way of reminding me that - oh yeah - I have this lifelong thing. This thing that causes my son to worry and stare at me in fear when I wake up...by darn near throwing myself off the chair I apparently fell asleep on - while sitting straight up. Or dropping my container of almond milk, because of a poorly timed hand tremor. As if there's ever a good time. Or grabbing the wrong set of keys for the wrong car, then wondering why the key won't fit. Stuff like that. And I give myself a pep talk. I say something like, "If this is your new normal, you can get through it."
As if I have a say...
Thanks for reading...if you've endured my ramblings this long. Maybe by the time I write another post, I'll be over my temporary embarrassment and will openly share. Y'all can be all, "Oh that? Psht! That's nothing to be embarrassed about, girl!" And you're probably right. No, you're definitely right. I suppose I just need to walk out my process.
What runs through my mind at a time like this, in addition to the fact that I serve a mighty God, is the unpredictability of this life. One minute it's one way. The next? It ain't. In the meantime, all I can do is lean on the Lord and keep loving hard. Loving hard, to me, means loving others with my whole heart. Trying to show them that I truly believe John 1:5 and that I will do my best, in all my imperfections, to live it out. That's something ms can never take away from me.
As if it has a say ;)
Meanwhile, here's a fantastic cover of Oceans...