Tuesday, January 5, 2010

'Lil Help?

I remember yelling that quite often in my childhood days. Remember it? You'd be playing ball and throw it into the neighbor's yard as she hung laundry? "Sorry, Mrs. So-and-So! 'Lil help?" Or you'd hit the ball into the next area where other kids were playing? "Yo! 'Lil help?" Before you knew it, your ball would come flying back your way. Well, unless your Mrs. So-and-So was like ours. In which case, she kept the ball. And like, your mom would have to go get it...or, in my case, not.

I probably shouldn't write today, because today is a day that MS is kicking my butt 6 ways to Sunday. Heck, I even capitalized it. But maybe writing today is really okay, because it'll be raw and uncut. MS Mom Gone Wild-esque.

Invisible symptoms. Invisible, because you can't see them. I have no problem telling you how much they suck! I've shared before how, when you see someone in their 30's using a walking aide or a wheelchair, you think to yourself, "Self, how can I help that person?" or at the very least, you try to get out of their way. If someone's slowly walking your way with a slight grimace on their face, however, you'll probably think, "dude, what's YOUR problem?" At least that's what I would think. Today, I am that person...the one with the face.

I have a tingling sensation in my head. Sounds pleasant, right? If anyone's ever been to a chiropractor or PT and had electric stim, you'll get this analogy. Imagine the pads stuck to your head...toward the top left. Imagine the machine on the "fuzzy" setting. Got it? Great. Now turn it up to a setting of 12. There! You've got it! The intensity increases randomly and becomes so strong that my entire head feels as if it's vibrating. And it hurts, too. It's enough to upset my apple cart, but I can deal with it. When you're a migraine sufferer, tingling and vibration is annoying, but you consider yourself blessed that that's all you've got going on in your head! Can I git' an amen on that, fellow migraine sufferers?

I feel like I'm standing on pickers! Well, sometimes. Every 3rd or 4th step, my feet just feel kinda numb...but mostly, standing on pickers. Not fun, but I can handle that too.

It feels like I'm walking in snow up to my waist. Or at least it takes the same amount of effort to move each leg. I have the urge to walk through the hallway here at school and be all, "oomph! Ugh! Whew!" with each step. Somehow I think that may draw attention to myself, which is the last thing I need and/or want.

My hands, lower legs, and feet are ice blocks. In a word? FREEZING! I have "heat" in my room. I put that in quotes, because the thermostat says 68, but I'm telling you it's blowing cold air. My son made the mistake of coming to me to ask if he felt as if he had a fever. I put my hand on his head and it made him yell, "Good Lord, Mommy!!!" Yeah, sorry about that, son. You feel like you're running a fever of about 212. Better get some Motrin on board STAT!

So those are my current invisible symptoms. All I want, besides my pillow...because it's the only thing that truly understands me in times like this...is a 'lil help.

I run the risk, on days like today, of becoming highly offended and angered when I have to do something simple like walk to the opposite end of the building to retrieve someone or something I need to work with. I silently complain about it. "Yeah, let me walk alllllllllllll the way down there to...(insert task)...I feel GREAT! UGH!" Each step takes effort and I've already psyched myself up, all prior to 7am, to get to work and give my whole self to the tasks at hand. Nowhere in that repertoire was walking around to pick up this or that. My ego yells, "HEY! 'Lil help!"

I run the risk, on days like today, of making MS bigger than me and bigger than my God. Confession time! During my morning coffee, all I could think of was that I had 10hrs worth of work to put in, 2 commutes between buildings, then making sure I got my kids to their events tonight. I didn't once remind myself that today's the day the Lord has made. He got me up out of bed, so He must have work for me to do. If He was done with me, I wouldn't be here right now. I tell Him, "but I hurt and I tingle and I'm cold and I'm tired and..." And He says...well, He says nothing. At least nothing I'm being still enough to hear.

I run the risk, on days like today, of not remembering exactly how blessed I am. There are hundreds of thousands of folks who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. So what if yesterday and today are crappy days, right? Collective, "right!"...c'mon, I'm convincing myself here, as well as you! Tomorrow will be better, because it almost always is. I need to remember that I have a job to walk around at, legs that are still carrying me - no matter how they may feel, and my old faithful pillow, which will be patiently awaiting my return this evening! But most of all, a God who loves me enough to put up with my complaining and who will see me through to a better tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'm still wanting just a 'lil help! I'll never learn! HA!

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