Saturday, March 22, 2014

MS = Why I Don't Commit to Stuff

I love serving others.

Serving others and volunteering is a blessing and not just to those on the receiving end.  I think we can all get with that.

But.  I also have an "energy bank".  And over the past-almost-15yrs, I've gotten pretty good at knowing how to "budget" something for which you have no steady income, nor consistent expenses.  What's my secret to managing my energy bank?

There isn't one.  It's day to day.  The only successful management of my energy bank is to do the things I absolutely must do (get up, go to work, come home) and leave the other things to be sorted through after those 3 have been accounted for.

There was a big event planned at my kids' school.  Emails and notices came around weeks ago with bunches of opportunities to smile and socialize and serve and bless others as they went about the itinerary of this great day.  I was chomping at the bit!  Countless times, I began an email to those in charge.  "I can help!"  But, I never actually sent any of them.  It's as if ms froze my index finger and simply would not allow it to click the mouse.  I told myself that...if it was meant to be?  It would be.  I would wake up on game day with at least some energy and tiny measure of strength.  I also told myself I would not feel guilty about it if I didn't.

That's something I've also been working on for the past-almost-15yrs ;)

Today was game day.  I woke up to a beautiful sunrise!  Obnoxious birds, scream singing with elation!  Our horrendous winter has finally given way to a burst of spring!  I had a nice conversation with my husband before he left for work.  I had a nice cup of coffee placed in front of me.

I could do this!!!

When suddenly, and I'm talking pretty suddenly, something like a weighted blanket washed over me.  I picked my coffee mug up, drew it to my mouth, and...just tasted warm liquid.

Ugh.  Looks like today's an "I can't taste stuff" day.

I told myself...that's okay!  I don't need to be able to pass a taste test to go smile and socialize with a bunch of people!  I told myself to go to the shower and wash the blanket off.  After serving at the event, I would come home and take my kids out for breakfast.  Yes!  That's exactly what I would do...


When I got to the top of the stairs, that voice came into my head.  You know what it said..."if you lay down for a couple minutes, you'll feel a lot better."


Four hours later, I woke up to a beautiful, sunny day.  Birds still screaming with elation.  At some point during my slumber, my kids had opened a couple of windows to allow the fresh, spring air in.  And started laundry.  And did the dishes.  And cleaned the kitchen.  And looked at me with smiley faces and said, "Good morning, mom!  Didjya sleep good?"

Yeah.  I did.

"Do you want breakfast?"

Yeah.  I do.  Sure.

My plans = wake up early, go serve at the event, come home, wake my kids, take them to breakfast.

MS's plans = wake up early, punch Tina in the face, send her back to bed, render her day useless.

What really happened = wake up early, get punched in the face, get sent back to bed, wake up to find that I was actually the one being served, give giant hugs to my kids, and spend the rest of this beautiful day with them.

My "energy bank" may be kinda low, but my blessings are innumerable :D


AMPAUD said...

I am a recent diagnosee - and I absolutely understand your 'energy bank' analogy. Sometimes I will feel fine for a long time, I'll have some leg tinglies but will be okay - and then, like a ton of bricks, I'll be hit with nausea and the shakes. It's like being thrown into a massive panic attack with no trigger. I've been fortunate at this point to not have too many bad days of fatigue, but I can be at the grocery store, feeling great, halfway through my list, when suddenly I just want to leave my cart in the middle of the cereal aisle and lay in my car.

I try not to let the problem affect me day to day if I am not having bad symptoms - I haven't told many people and I don't want to get into a mindset of being 'sick.' I tell my husband I have a built in self-destruct button, who knows when it will go off. But I just got a new job in a new state - I hope I can keep it at bay long enough to have more energy in that bank!! Here's to hope!

Tina said...

Thank you for sharing and especially for sharing your hope! I also struggle with anxiety. I've dealt with that for as long as I could remember (early childhood). Sometimes, I wonder which is worse between ms and anxiety. I feel your pain, but I also feel your hope!

I can tell you that I feel much better over the past 9yrs or so than I did early on. I pray that will be your story as well!

God bless you :)